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Post Time
Sunday, September 21, 2008 at 04:44PM 
Some of you may have read my "guest rant" entitled Let's Play Post Office on one of my favorite blogs, Special Kind of Stupid (the world is full of stupid ... we're just here to document it), back during the summer. Well mah li'l peeps, here we go again.
Once more the United States Postal Service provides inspiration far beyond the realm of anything yours truly could devise or imagine, even on a good day.
On Saturday morning I dispatched Erica on a simple, all-American type of errand: go to the post office and mail two gifts. I gave her the packages and eight dollars cash.
Apparently I should have given her fifty dollars. And brass knuckles liberally coated with spoofle dust.
At that precise juncture I would have trotted out my best imitation of Attila the Hun.
One package, bound for California, was approximately twelve inches by ten inches in size and just thick enough to contain a neatly-folded necktie (wrapped in tissue paper) and a small card. It would be a stretch to say it weighed four ounces; a slight breeze would blow this piece of mail down the street. A stiff wind would carry it clear to the Gulf of Mexico.
For free.
The second package, destined for Ohio, was somewhat larger and heavier, but still a mailing envelope. It may have weighed twelve ounces with your thumb on the edge.
Erica drove to the PO, waited her turn, and in due time came face-to-face with a feral archetype of the prodigiously and perennially surly postal worker.
(What are these people so bitter about? A conundrum for the ages.)
The mysteriously disgruntled bureaucrat accepted the first (nearly weightless) package from Erica's hand. She tossed it onto the cold steel of the scale and throttled a couple of buttons.
"That'll be $19.80 express or $4.80 priority," she spat Erica-ward.
(The tie only cost $9.99 plus tax. You get the max for the minimum at TJ Maxx.)
Erica can be a trifle ... shall we say, timid at such times. Whereas at that precise juncture I would have trotted out my best imitation of Attila the Hun, sweet Erica simply stared, then stammered: "F-f-f-four eighty, I guess."
All the while wondering: Do I have enough money to cover this? Mom only gave me eight dollars. She produced her wallet and began feverishly searching for additional liquid assets in the form of stray change, folding currency, bank checks, credit cards, property deeds, gold bouillon, and blue chip stock certificates.
Then, in the nick of time, her fierce-puppy gene bobbed to the surface.
Erica squared her little shoulders and looked Brunhilde in the eye. "Wait a minute. I find it hard to believe that piece can't be mailed any more cheaply than that," she hazarded.
That's my kid.
Cruella DeVil squinted her beady eyes. "It CAN be mailed more cheaply than that," she snapped.
"But you only gave me two choices: $19.80 or $4.80!" Erica argued.
"I'm only required to give you two choices," responded this female who probably milks rattlesnakes in her spare time.
Wow. Uhm ... so, there are multiple ways to skin the cat but they only have to tell you about the top two? If one wants a reasonable postal rate, one must conduct a concerted probe to unearth that highly classified information? Pry it from the postal employees' cold, lifeless brains?
So it would seem.
In the end, it cost $1.68 to mail the four-ounce necktie. Erica opted to send the other package, her aunt's birthday present, via priority mail for $4.80.
Total: $6.48. I can live with that, I guess.
The excessive courtesies lavished by representatives of the United States Postal Service upon ordinary taxpayer citizens as they transact business are, as always, free of charge. It's all about being a public servant.
Time to privatize this thing, y'all. Take the federal government out of the equation and bring the glory back. Shoot ... bring the Pony Express back. A bag of oats, a sugar cube, a slurp of water, and that bad boy will run like the wind. California, here we come.
Reader Comments (23)
I'm with you--line up the ponies!
I thought our local post office was the only one with surly employees! I think they charge extra for smiles. Yeah for Erica for questioning her further!
Thanks for this rant, Jenny! The postal workers here are nice but the postal service here charges exorbitant prices. Maybe I better speak up and ask if there is a lower rate! I just thought that postal service was going up along with the groceries.
Good for Erica. I know the post office is in trouble but being sneaky and taking advantage of unknowing patrons is just plain wrong. I'll know what's up next time I have a package to mail.
What IS it with post offices and disgruntled employees? They can't get paid THAT badly...
It's a good thing I finished reading the whole thing before getting my dander up TOO badly, when I read the part about a necktie costing $4.80 to mail...I mail stuff all the time for my job and I KNOW that's way too expensive! Makes you want to ask them sometime...
"So, what exactly does your anger issue stem from...???"
@ Lyn ... me 'n you will saddle up and ride, girl. It'll be fun.
@ Mari ... it's such a tragic stereotype, isn't it?
@ Cheryl one ... the rates are going up, but there's no need to pay more than absolutely necessary! Ask lots of questions.
@ Cheryl two ... spot on, luv. Sneaky is exactly what it is.
@ Angi ... I think the answer is in the question: they're bureaucrats! But my feeling has always been, if you don't like your job, get another one.
Great post mother dear. Glad Erica spoke up, those people sure do have nerve. The Post Office peeps here in Knoxville are the same way, I try to never go there...same thing with Wal-Mart. GRRRR.
Audrey, you know better than to get yo mama started on Wal-Mart. AAARRRGGGGHHH!
I hate to be the devil's advocate here and I am glad Erica found the cheapest rate but I have to say that I am still amazed at the fact that for under 5.00 I can have someone transport my gift all the way across the country in 2 days.
@ Dixie ... I think that the price we paid ($1.68) to mail the necktie was more than adequate, and it sure would be nice if the "service" came with a smile.
WalMart commercials lie. There are no yellow smiley happy faces bouncing around. There are no cute, elderly, smiling faces greeting you at the door. There are no bubbly employees slashing prices with wild abandon like their life depends on it.
Liars.
@ Angi ... except for Calvin! Calvin is our sweet elderly greeter at one of our local WalMart StuporCenters. He is such a dear happy fellow. I love saying hello to Calvin. As to the rest ... like I said, don't get me started.
Ooooh then Calvin deserves a medal! He is truly one in a million.
Angi, he is indeed. I wish you could meet him.
Is it wrong that I beam with pride whenever someone mentions me in a blog post? Hmmmm.
Kudos to Erica. That was mighty, mighty impressive.
Oh, regarding your comment about having your picture next to your comments, I left you a response.
Wow ... that's unbelievable!! Makes me even more grateful for my friendly little sub-post office here in the village where the staff know your name.
They see me coming, and get out their 'prices for America' book before I even get to the counter, I just know it! LOL!
But they always give me all the options and are almost apologetic when it turns out to be expensive.
@ Kev ... of course it's not wrong to beam with pride when one of your babies is mentioned! Moms do it all the time. Thanks for that great info, by the way. Going now to make use of it.
@ Jay ... I've sent some stuff across the puddle and I know exactly what you mean, luv. I wouldn't mind paying the prices half as much if the workers were courteous. Apologies for the more outrageous rates would be nice too! When I have to carry stuff to the PO, I always try to get in the line of a certain Mr. Williams, who is as helpful as he is kind. Erica says he was not there on Saturday. Luck of the draw ...
Our postal employees are just slow. Deliberately slow. Good for your daughter, challenging that rude person! There are nicer ways to deal with that situation, Posty ... I hate people sometimes.
@ JD ... oh yes ... slowing to the pace of a geriatric snail seems to be one of their many ways of getting back at the common postal customer. Happily they are not all like this.
Government employees...'nuff said ;-)
As you may recall, I've had my share of run-ins with stupers (short for eye-openingly stupid persons) in the post office. It's a veritable melting pot for idiots. I never go in unarmed! Thank goodness Erica bounced back in the end! Intelligence shall prevail!
@ Keli ... I do recall! One must gird one's loins before walking into your average post office. Add patience to your intelligence and you'll emerge relatively unscathed!
I'll have to remember to ask for more options at the post office from now on.
It seems like the postal workers (especially the ones who hate their jobs) would want to take revenge on the Postal Service by finding the cheapest rates possible for customers. That's what I would do. When I worked at a department store I had no qualms about telling customers that the department store next to us was a having a sale so they could get the same item for 25% less (or whatever). It made me feel both kind and naughty.