Half & Half & Half
Saturday, October 17, 2009 at 05:44PM 
Size mattersThe longer I live, the more impossible it becomes for me to become fully functional in the morning until I have consumed a fairly large quantity of fresh, hot, strong coffee.
With a very generous serving of Half & Half.
Now, if you've been paying attention, you may recall that for a long time, all I would pour into my coffee was Original CoffeeMate liquid -- no powders, no funny flavors, and don't bring that fat-free stuff anywhere near me.
Then, inexplicably, about a year ago, they changed it. The liquid Original CoffeeMate, that is.
One day, out of nowhere, it tasted as though they'd added sugar to it.
Oddly, as much as I love sugar (I have a sweet tooth roughly the size of the Philippines), I cannot handle even a hint of sugar in my coffee.
Boggling, that is, to a mind like mine which has nearly reached the allowable boggling threshold.
At first I thought it was just me. I had no clue why, all things being equal, suddenly a cup of coffee would taste markedly different than it had been tasting for two to three years. Was I going crazy? What were those voices saying?
So I wondered if maybe the folks who spend their days producing liquid CoffeeMate had gotten confused and mixed up a bad batch. It could happen to anyone! Wanting to give them the benefit of the doubt, I bought another container of liquid CoffeeMate, original flavor.
Same deal.
*sigh*
Perilously near despair, I forsook CoffeeMate and turned to the only substance I knew would approximate the texture and flavor of liquid CoffeeMate, original flavor, with no chance of corruption by sugar: Half & Half. Half milk, half heavy cream, nothing else. How could I go wrong?
It took some getting used to, but now I cannot imagine drinking my morning coffee any other way. I eye the fancy-shmancy liquid CoffeeMate original flavor on the cold-case shelf next to the milk and say, "Hah! Who needs you? It never would have worked out between us!"
Except, first I had to find a brand of Half & Half that I could rely upon to be reasonably economical and to be sold in quantities that wouldn't have me or a family member trotting to the store every other day to replenish my supply.
Because I'm more afraid of running out of coffee supplies than I am of running out of toothpaste. Or hairspray. Well, maybe not hairspray.
(Or, as ladies called it when I was a kid: "spray net." I always thought that was a charming term.)
Since we shop for groceries primarily at Kroger and Wal-Mart, but TG prefers to shop at Kroger and I prefer that TG do the grocery shopping, I soon settled on Kroger brand Half & Half. It's good stuff. The packaging is white and purple, which I think is mighty attractive. So far, no complaints.
Except, it comes in a mind-boggling array of sizes. Boggling, that is, to a mind like mine which has nearly reached the allowable boggling threshold.
I'll have to open a coffee shop. Another charming term from my childhood.
At first I bought Kroger Half & Half by the quart bottles because that's all that was available. I would buy two at a time because they didn't seem to last all that long. Then they came out with a half-gallon carton which was actually cheaper per ounce! Bingo! For some reason, a half-gallon carton seemed to last longer than two quart bottles.
But sadly, they only had half-gallon cartons of Half & Half on the shelf about half the time.
Welcome to mi vida loca.
Recently I said to Erica, who was venturing out to Kroger: "Get me some Half & Half! If they only have quart bottles, get me two!"
She came home with TWO half-gallon cartons. A gallon of Half & Half! She said they didn't have any quart bottles.
???????
That's the day I began drinking heavily. Good thing I had so much Half & Half at hand.
Even more recently I said to TG, who was venturing out to Kroger: "Get me some Half & Half! If they only have quart bottles, get me two!"
He came home with two tiny PINT bottles (which until that day I never even knew existed) AND a half-gallon carton.
???????
Even MORE recently I said to TG, who was venturing out to Kroger: "Get me some Half & Half! If they only have quart bottles, get me two!"
He came home with FOUR quart bottles.
? ? ? ? ? ? ?
More than half my life is behind me. If I send TG and Erica on only half the shopping trips, it will take at least half of the time I have left to drink even half of the Half & Half they bring home. I'll have to open a coffee shop. Another charming term from my childhood.
During which, come to think of it, at least half the time I was already half crazy.
Reader Comments (9)
Okay, the last HALF of this post had me laughing so hard that I was HALF crying! LOL!
@ Audrey ... when you're here, which sadly is only half of the half of the half of the time, you drink half of it for me!
I can definitely appreciate why you started drinking heavily. Being a big fan of half and half myself (I make my own yogurt, when motivated, which is to say half of half the time), I can understand your newly found habit.
PS I nearly had a panic attack yesterday because I couldn't locate a bottle of hairspray anywhere in the house. Thankfully, just as I contemplated staying home from work, I found one.
I can identify with you half way. I use half-n-half in my coffee but only as half the creamer additive, the other half being flavored creamer of some sort. But I'm half way to crazy myself trying to find a store that carries what I want in the quantities I want.
I don't WANT the giant-mega-family(reunion)-sized package of this, or the single-serving(barely feed a chihuahua)-sized carton of that. I want a normal-sized, fits my needs/wants container that is situated on the same shelf each time I go to the store(so I can do the mindless in/out run) and doesn't change each week with "NEW and IMPROVED" every time you turn around. When I see "new and improved" on a package, I'm almost tempted to NOT BUY IT, I mean, if it was already good enough, why change it? *sighs*
Then there is the annoying habit stores have of suddenly, for no apparent reason, dropping a product you've grown fond of. You know what I mean, you try something new, you decide you like it, you start buying it regularly, then, inexplicably, one day, it no longer is on the shelf (freezer/whatever) and the store manager (when questioned under duress) admits they've stopped stocking it. *low throated growl*
But, I'm halfway stealing your blog and the day is already half over so I'd better get back to work, even if only half-heartedly.
Love your writing.
@ Keli ... you make your own YOGURT? *wide-eyed*
If I ran out of spray net, I wouldn't stay home. I'd sit in a coffee shop all day with a scarf over my head, furtively looking around, half mad.
@ Tim ... I shall ban you from this website if you continue writing comments that are BETTER than the post they're commenting on! You have been warned!
BTW I had to pick myself up off the floor, where I had fallen, rolling & giggling uncontrollably, before I could type that!
Good thing I wasn't drinking my coffee when I read it 'cause my keyboard would be slimed with half & half via my nostrils.
LOL! I live in Canada where kids don't even know what a quart and a pint are anymore. It's a litre, half a litre, two litres, etc. I still use the Imperial measurements because they're better (and because I'm old).
Two pints in a quart, four quarts in a gallon...
@ Josephine ... I'm with you on that one, sister! Could never do that metric thing. We were just talking about that at our house the other day. My husband doesn't even like they way they changed track and field measurements to the metric system! He might have been grumbling a wee bit ...
I like hot tea in the morning with Splenda, no cream. Earl Gray is my favorite but I drink some Green tea for health benefits.
When I do drink a cup of coffee, I love to put a spoonful of real whipped cream with a touch of vanilla and Splenda in it.
Watching my cholesterol I know that cream, and half-and half, are terrible because of all the fat. But it sure does taste good.
I like the powdered coffee mate..it makes the coffee creamy ! Hey, wanted to tell you if you go to my blog , the song playing is by Nicole Mullen...she has several songs that are just awesome, one called Heaven that I told you about...also Chris Rice has some more wonderful worship music and try Chris Tomlinson. Loved our visit... not even HALF the time I would have liked with you.