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Like a woman: A twelve-step program
Monday, May 24, 2010 at 11:44PM 
Skirts are classic. Photo Jennifer Weber 2010Ladies? Today is your lucky day.
This post will help you if you need it and if you'll let it.
Hoping this doesn't come across as a first-class Harpy Harangue (all evidence to the contrary, not my intention), here goes:
1. Proceed at once -- or at the next convenient opportunity -- to your closet or shelves or drawers and remove all of your blue jeans and khaki slacks and capris and even your "dress" pants. Find a big box and put them into it. Put the box in the attic … or better yet, take it to Goodwill. Include your shorts … please.
If you look good in any or all of these garments, that's bad. Way too obvious. Trust me.
If you look bad in them, that's worse.
Also? You won't be uncomfortable and you won't freeze. I promise.
2. Locate your skirts and dresses that are of a flattering cut and modest length and appropriate fit. If you don't own any, go to Wal-Mart or K-Mart or Stein Mart or Kohl's or TJ Maxx or Burlington Coat Factory or Cato or Belk or Dillard's or Ann Taylor or Talbot's or even the House of Chanel -- if you have that kind of money to spend. Purchase several skirts and a couple of dresses. Put them on a charge card; for once it's all right. This is serious.
If you hate dressing rooms, go online. You can return just about anything and whatever hassle that entails is often outweighed by the convenience of trying clothing on in your own bedroom, at your leisure.
3. Dedicate an afternoon to perusing your closet for blouses, tops, tanks, shells, cardigans, and jackets that are modest, that fit you well, and that give off a young, feminine, classic vibe. Throw away anything and everything that is frumpy or that screams (or even whispers) "Mamaw."
If you're not sure of any or all of the above, find a friend whose manner of dress bespeaks youth, modesty, vibrancy, and style. Ask her how she does it. Set aside a few hours for her response; she'll be only too happy to share.
If you have no such friend or know no such female, you are in worse shape than I thought. Email me immediately; there is not a moment to lose. We'll work out the logistics as we go.
4. Take the time to work the aforementioned skirts, blouses, tanks, shells, tops, cardigans, jackets, and dresses into flattering, feminine, attractive outfits suitable for all occasions from grocery shopping to attending a wedding or even a funeral.
(YES! All of those occasions require actual thought about what you wear!)
If you need to add top-half articles to your wardrobe, hit the discount stores and start looking. Don't be afraid of lace, beading, a sprinkling of sequins, softer fabrics, and feminine lines. Again: if you need help, ask for it.
Skirts make a girl feel girly. Photo Jennifer Weber 20095. Next, evaluate your store of accessories. This would include but not be limited to shoes, purses, and jewelry. Take some time to put different items with your new outfits to both make the ensembles pop and to bring your own special wit and charm to the foreground. When you find a mix you like, write down the elements or take a picture of yourself for future reference.
Yet again: if you need help, ask for it. Don't be stubborn, proud, or shy.
6. Now it is time to take a hard and honest look at your complexion, your hair, your supply of skin/hair care products and cosmetics, and your effective care and use of all of the above.
Do not make excuses. I don't care who you are or where you live or whether you are married or single or fat or skinny or employed or stay-at-home or keep eighty-five parakeets or are a lion tamer or dwell on the boulevard or in the lane or have a chronic condition or a phobia about looking pretty. Get over it. You live one time and it's a joy to be female and if you're not already doing it, you need to fix yourself up.
7. If you require help in learning to use any or all of the beauty aids your search produced, or if you need to make initial, replacement, or additional beauty-related purchases, I have three words for you: JUST DO IT. If necessary, ask for help in making your selections.
8. If your idea of skin care is washing everything with a bar of soap in the shower and working a smear of leftover hand lotion into your face at night, go directly to the nearest department store. Once there, head for the Clinique or Lancome counters -- there are many more than those two; pick one, any one -- and ask the nice saleslady to sell you some basic skincare items.
Yes, it will be an investment … in YOU. And YOU will immediately begin accruing the myriad benefits of taking excellent care of YOU.
9. Second verse same as the first. As to cosmetics, ask the lady to show you how to employ a drop of moisturizer, a dollop of sunblock, a dab of foundation, a dot of concealer, a swipe of blush, a swoosh of powder, a slide of lipstick, a smudge of eyeshadow, a stick of eyeliner, and a flick of mascara to make yourself look stunning, polished, pulled-together, and … above all … LIKE A WOMAN.
10. On your way out of the store, stop by the perfume counter and buy yourself a bottle of something gorgeous-smelling. Something that makes you feel LIKE A WOMAN. If you're not sure which one to pick, ask for a few samples and take them home. One (or more) of them will surely appeal to you. Make a decision; go back and buy.
Fragrance equals feminine mystique. Photo Jennifer Weber 2009If you are unable to splurge for a prestige fragrance, go to Walgreens or Bath and Body Works, or call your Avon representative. There are some tantalizing fragrances out there that will not strain the budget. The important thing is that wearing perfume makes you feel LIKE A WOMAN.
(If you're reading this and are thinking about putting in the comments that you are allergic to perfume, please don't. Please. Don't. Thanks ever so.)
11. Buy yourself a hairstyle magazine and look through it. Isolate the styles you like, then narrow those down to ones you think would actually look good on you and that would be easy to maintain. Avoid styles that are super-short as well as those that are trendily outlandish. The idea is to end up looking LIKE A WOMAN.
If you insist on wearing a hairstyle that takes no effort whatsoever past running your fingers through it as it air-dries, you deserve what you get: to look like someone who is not willing to put forth even a modicum of effort to look LIKE A WOMAN.
12. Remember that none of this need break the bank. Truth be told, you don't have to go near a department store if you'd rather not. You can find what you need at discount outlets and drugstores. You can browse online for hours at Sephora (with its helpful user reviews and wonderful postage-prepaid, no-questions-asked return policy). You can get a good haircut at Great Clips if you show the stylist a picture. A box of hair color will set you back less than ten dollars and is redonkulously easy to use.
The point is not to end up looking like someone else; the aim is to look LIKE A WOMAN … the one you already are … only much, much better.
++++
Girls, let's face it: if God created you female (and if you're still reading at this point, my guess is He did), He never intended for you to embrace androgyny. Or for that matter, to go anywhere near it.
In other words, He doesn't want you to look like a man or a boy … from any distance, at any angle, at any age, in any light, for any occasion, in any event, during any activity.
Neither does He want you to reveal even the outline of the secret places of your anatomy to strangers by wearing form-fitting, body-conscious clothing in public.
If you don't care what God, your creator, thinks or wants, that's another subject.
But even that being the case, if you were born female you only help yourself if you commit an appropriate amount of time and energy and money to looking and feeling LIKE A WOMAN.
Skirts let you sparkle. Photo Jennifer Weber 2010Sound like a lot to do, especially if you're starting from scratch? Well, chickie … let me tell you how to eat an elephant: one bite at a time. One day at a time … one step at a time. You'll get there. Just make a start.
And trust me: when you do, the men in your life -- all of them -- will appreciate it more than they can ever say.
What? You wouldn't go to all that trouble to impress a man?
Well, excuse me all to pieces.
In that case, do it for yourself.
Because if you are a woman, few things in this earthly life will satisfy you more than traveling deep into the lush mysteries of your own womanly femininity, exploring and exposing your wellspring of hidden allure.
And even if it's all you have to call your own, few experiences compare to the luxury and satisfaction of dressing, looking, smelling, seeming, walking, talking, acting and being LIKE A WOMAN.
Reader Comments (9)
Part of the fun of reading your blog posts, Jenny, is figuring out (during the times you don't outright inform us readers) what motivated you to write it. "These thoughts have probably been bouncing around her brain forever, but what event made her sit down and actually write it?"
For this one, my theory is you overheard a conversation spoken by two single women sitting at a nearby table during your visit to Five Guys. With no makeup, sloppy hair, holy bluejeans and oversized t-shirts, these women bemoaned their single statuses in a loud enough volume for you, in between delicious bites of hamburgers and fries, to hear their woes.
So, once your meal was complete, you walked up to the women, introduced yourself, and handed them your business card. "This is the address for a blog I write. In a few days, I'm going to dedicate a blog post to both of you. It will contain essential and life-changing information. Read it. Learn it. Live it. Oh, and check out this other blog sometime, too: specialkindofstupid.com. It is apropos of nothing, but it's hilarious."
Okay, so you might not have said that last part. But I bet I'm spot-on with the rest of it. ;-)
@ Kev ... HAHA you don't know anything ... except the straw that broke the camel's back DID get put on the camel's back at Five Guys! LOLOL ...
This is a subject dear to my heart, as you know. I ache for women to look and act like women again. But while I was waiting in the parking lot of FG for TG to find a place to park, the people from St. Louis approached me. Nice little family ... mom, dad, young teenaged son, preschool daughter. The husband was normal weight and reasonably handsome. He did not speak to me but he smiled and he just seemed like a decent hardworking guy.
HIS WIFE was at least 100 pounds overweight. She was wearing huge black shorts, ratty flipflops, and a ginormous black teeshirt. She looked like a linebacker. She was smoking like a chimney and had a smokers' rasp. Her hair was unkempt and disheveled -- a mess of six-inch dark roots and leftover "blonde" at the ends. In all seriousness, she looked like she desperately needed to take a shower and shampoo her hair.
It was sad.
In the few minutes we talked, I smelled old, stale smokers' smell coming off her. She was ON VACATION, getting ready to go and have dinner with her family. I don't care if it IS only a burger joint ... to give you an idea of how I was dressed, she told me I looked as though I belonged over at Ruth's Chris. I was wearing a simple dress from Cato. Of course I was fixed up pretty good because I was on a date, but my beauty routine was the same today, for going to report four depos.
A few other events transpired which prompted me to speak up at long last, but suffice it to say they all involve women copping out to wearing the first pair of jeans they can lay their hands on with the first tee shirt or sweater they see, with athletic trainers, no makeup, and no discernible hairstyle. It's depressing.
Women are cheating themselves if they don't wake up on this issue. They've believed some huge lies. I'm going to blog about those lies. Stay tuned!
Love it, love it, love it. Especially love the cute little number in the snappy skirt and mary janes!
AHHHHH halllooooo Sydney! That would be Allissa. She's a laugh riot. Love to you and yours!
I agree with you on everything except putting away all jeans, capris and shorts. I think there are times that these are appropriate.
But I know what you mean, I've seen women out looking so awful. In fact many of our male friends will take cameras with them then they are out and take pictures of these women in order to send them via email or SSTV (ham radio) for FUN, to get a laugh, or to say "ewwwwaaahhhh".
I have always taken pride in looking the best I can every single day. First thing each morning I'm in the bathroom putting on my "face", combing my hair and seeing if I'm presentable for myself and my hubby, then the world.
I love getting catalogs from various clothing companies, so I can compare what I have, what's new, prices, what colors are popular this year and what colors look good on me. I evaluate what is in my closet and drawers, then go shopping at bargain places and sales, sales, sales, for items I might add to update and modernize what I already have.
Good article.
@ Debbie ... I've seen women out looking so awful. In fact many of our male friends will take cameras with them then they are out and take pictures of these women in order to send them via email or SSTV (ham radio) for FUN, to get a laugh, or to say "ewwwwaaahhhh".
I rest my case!
p.s. I'm not surprised to learn you're a pulled-together, fashion-savvy lady! Somehow I already knew that. Wish we could go shopping together!
Incredibly interesting article! Truely!
I thought you might enjoy the following that arrived in my email in-box:
http://specialguests.com/guests/viewnews.cgi?id=EkZVpkVFuArWMDUPGG&tmpl=default
While I agree with the author that we need to spend more time with God and on our spiritual selves, there is nothing wrong with spending time on our outer-selves. After all, when we feel we look good it improves our nature and also men are visual characters. We don't want to look like hags who just woke up in the morning and dragged ourselves out of bed.
**quote**
A new study coming out of the United Kingdom reveals that the average woman spends 330 days of her lifetime putting on makeup. And, among those surveyed, one fifth said their husbands have never seen them without it.
In an era of “supermodels,” plastic surgery and the paparazzi, when women’s self-esteem is more impressionable and tenuous than ever, author and military wife, Kathleen Cline, found inspiration in her life on the move with her commissioned-Navy-officer husband, and realized women spend too much time trying to find happiness in the mirror.
**end quote**
If I had a nickel for each time I came to www.jennyweber.com! Incredible post!