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You light up my life with a vanilla candle
Friday, March 11, 2011 at 01:44PM 
Recently it seems to me that the cashiers and other employees of Wal-Mart -- a/k/a The World's Largest Shyster Retailer -- have been a tad bit happier.
Maybe it's because they have less to do without all those price roll-backs to worry about!
They used to grump around the aisles, stocking shelves with morose attitudes, rolling back prices under what appeared to be extreme duress if not outright protest.
If I didn't know better I'd conclude they were annoyed by the success of capitalism and the free markets.
Now whole gaggles of them gambol about the store, flitting here and there. They skip around holding hands, chasing rainbows, laughing uproariously as they UP the prices on everything from chalk to cheese.
Nilla Nilla
They're giddy with it, y'all. The power! The influence! The performance bonuses!
Oh, wait … in all likelihood Wal-Mart employees do not receive performance bonuses. Because with startling uniformity, they do not perform.
But wait again. Maybe it is just me.
I say ME because, speaking of performing, I got quite a musical sendup from one Wal-Mart cashier a few weeks ago.
It happened as I was strolling past the mostly-empty checkout bays (you know … the seventy-five conveyor belts with little boxy lights affixed on poles, any three of which may actually be operable at any given time).
Bo Billa
A Wal-Mart employee, a lady about my age all decked out in khakis, a white polo shirt, and her red-white-and-blue badge minus the yellow smiley-face that has mysteriously gone missing (try and find it, I dare you), stepped out into the midway and, without introduction or preamble, burst into song.
Complete with grandiloquent sweeping arm gestures, she bellowed a la Debby Boone circa 1971:
Yoooou light up my liiife …
I stopped cold. Not yet ready to check out because I had been fleeced in every section of the store except produce and was headed there for the privilege of cradling within my trembling fingers a diminutive two-dollar bell pepper in the early stages of shrivelment, I felt badly about not turning in at her station.
Banana Fana
She continued crooning:
Yooou give me hope to carry ooooon ….
Feeling sorry for her because she had no audience, I shot the cashier my trademark deafening grin.
"I'll be back!" I promised.
And after practically requiring emergency resuscitation from sticker-shock in the produce department I did go back, and I mentioned Debby Boone, and all I got was a blank stare.
I'm sure it was the same lady but apparently I no longer lit up her life or gave her hope to carry on.
Oh well. I would live to inspire again.
Fast forward a few weeks to yesterday.
Fo Filla
I had been in the store about forty-five minutes and, as that was about forty-four minutes too long for my liking, I was anxious to be on my way.
I headed for the front.
When I got in line to pay for the one hundred sixty-five dollars worth of groceries that would have cost one hundred twenty-five dollars two months ago and one hundred dollars a scant year ago, I was greeted … well, the point is, I was not greeted.
See, I crashed a twenty-items-or-less aisle when I had at least fifty items in my cart.
I know that's a no-no but all the twenty-items-or-less aisles were empty while the lines for more heavily-laden carts were three customers deep.
My feeling is, why should I be penalized for buying more?
So I angled my cart over to the nearest short belt, which as it turned out was manned by a very tall, very thin young black man wearing huge eyeglasses and a headful of cornrows.
Me Mi
"I have more than twenty things but since all these lines are empty is it okay if I check out here so I don't have to wait?" I asked, although it was a mere courtesy as I don't feel I should have to beg for the favor of them taking my money.
Long tall drink of chocolate milk ignored me. IGNORED ME.
Ignored ME!
It take-a panache.
I hesitated, my hands already in my cart, grabbing fabric softener and grape juice. Before removing the items I looked back at him for the assent I was sure he'd given but I'd somehow missed.
He waved his hands impatiently in the direction of my groceries. "Go ahead," he said.
Thanks ever so, I muttered under my breath.
We proceeded in silence except for the incessant beep … beep … beep of the scanner. We were nearly done and I was reaching for my debit card when I heard him exclaim.
Mo Milla
"What?" I said, looking over.
He was brandishing two vanilla jar candles.
(No matter the degree of economic meltdown or the price of gas, I won't be without candles. I am loyal to the Mainstays brand 20-ounce jars -- still a mere five dollars -- because they burn evenly all the way to the metal and they smell really good. I'm not financially able to indulge in Yankee Candle dollar-per-ounce scented wax creations, thank you very much.)
His face was glowing, wreathed in the sweetest smiles. "I love vanilla!" He sniffed a candle with joy so real, it was almost painful to watch.
"That's gonna cost you," I wanted to say, but didn't.
"Oh! Me too," is what I actually I said.
"I have a vanilla plug-in! In my room!" He exulted.
Nilla
I was afraid he'd burst into tears at the mere mention of said fragrant contraption.
"You must be in touch with your feminine side," I offered.
Perhaps that was the wrong thing to say.
I still don't know.
What say you, mateys?
All I know is, if only for a moment, I lit up his life.
Or maybe it was my candle that did that.
Reader Comments (8)
I am soooooooooooooooooo going to light a roomful of my candles now girl!..lol So good to see u again! (HUGS!)
You beat me to it, I had been planning to do a post on Wal-Mart for a week or so but never got around to it.
That singing is sort of creepy.
Over the past months I have been complaining to hubby about Wal-Mart not having items I usually buy. Seems the shelves were bare of brands and choices, you either bought their generic brand or maybe one other brand and that was it. Many items they didn't even carry any more.
Well on Fox Business there was a report from Wal-Mart. Their sales were way down and stocks down, seems they decided to cut back on items they carry in order to save money. Well it didn't work out, because people like me voted with their money and went elsewhere to find our favored items.
Wal-Mart officials said they would start stocking shelves again with what the customer wanted to buy. What an idea!
Also I almost got run over twice this week in the aisles of Wal-Mart by men on scooters doing wheelies, turning spins and racing out the end of the aisle and almost crashing into me.
Another complaint is some of the checkers are so SLOW, I swear they are moving in slow motion.
But I keep going.
I also had three tall candles and a box of jarred candles in my basket. My latest fragrance is White Linen.
One thing is for sure, you light up MY life! And 'nilla does smell awesome!
thanks ever so much for stopping by. I really don't have all that much time to read, it's just that I'm on a bus/train for more than 20hours a week, I always felt that was such a waste of time, so over the last 6 months or so I practised reading on a moving object. It's working, although I don't do curves well, (still want to throw up), but I'm getting some serious reading done. Love your Walmart story. I can't believe you pay that much for peppers, we had a special today 8 red/orange/ yellow peppers for $3.00 I could make stuffed peppers for a dinner party. Are peppers not a local crop? I don't do the Walmart food thing,
I'm WITH you on the bell pepper cost! Ridiculous!
I don't burn candles just for the fun of it anymore either...just too much work to blow out...Hahaaa....And you shop the way I do...I would have done the same thing at the check out lane! 75 empty lanes and 3 open...morons!
Happy restful weekend friend!
hughugs
Okay, your posts about Wal-Mart excursions are by far the best!
This line: "a diminutive two-dollar bell pepper in the early stages of shrivelment"...yeah, I can relate. Just did that yesterday.
That's hilarious about the guy loving the candles. Who KNEW!
...and now I can't get that song out of my head. LOL! : )
-chuckle- Didn't it thrill your heart, that you choose vanilla! 'Cause that was the flavor he prefers. What if you choose one, he can't stand????? ,-)