Assume Nothing

So I was sitting in a deposition this morning, keeping the record as usual. I was pretty bored. It was a gray and dreary day, the kind of day you normally don't mind having to be indoors, but I still would rather have been somewhere else. I was wishing for the umpteenth time that it would soon be over so that I could go home, shed hose and high heels, and get back into my comfies. Suddenly something was said that simultaneously embarrassed me, amazed me, capsized my easily-overturned giggle-box, got me a pretty good laugh from the others present, and gave me the substance for this blog. Not a bad haul. Allow me to elaborate.

Besides yours truly, the cast of characters consisted of three gentlemen: two lawyers and one security guard. Everyone in the room was middle-aged. Despite the fact that they represented opposing sides, the two lawyers were obviously longtime colleagues. I have worked with one of the attorneys at least a dozen times before; we'll call him Ernest, as that is his name. His friendly adversary goes by Ronald, and Ronald's client, Mr. Anderson (not his real name), was the one under oath. Mr. Anderson hurt his knee while at work a few months ago ... hence the workers' compensation case that was the subject of the proceeding. Trust me; you need to know all this or the story won't make sense.

Ernest had questioned Mr. Anderson in detail about past injuries to his knee, which as it turns out were numerous. At least twenty minutes elapsed while Mr. Anderson provided salient facts pertaining to the circumstances of each injury, including treating physicians, procedures and surgeries he had undergone, time spent off from work, lost wages, continuing difficulties from the injuries, et cetera. About a thousand miles south of riveting ... take my word for it.

Ernest made one last pass over the field to ensure there wasn't a stray rock he had neglected to look under. "So, Mr. Anderson," he began. "Have you now told me about all the injuries, illnesses, or conditions for which you've been treated over the past, say, ten to fifteen years?"

Mr. Anderson, having sworn to tell the truth, thought for a moment. He just couldn't leave well enough alone (no pun intended). "Well," he responded. "I did get circumcised ... and I got glasses. One on Monday and the other on the Wednesday."

A stunned silence. Then: "Mmmmm ... tough week, eh?" Ernest sympathized.

"It was rough," Mr. Anderson recalled.

This isn't the funny part. This isn't the reason I'm telling you about this. This part is only foundational. Stay with me.

Ernest looked around the table, a merry twinkle in his eye. "Off the record," he instructed me. Obediently I shut off my recorders and made a note of the time. I stared hard at a picture on the far wall, determined to conduct myself in a decorous manner, but my face was burning. Sometimes it's fun to be the only woman in the room, sometimes not so fun. As I feared, there was more.

"That made me think of a lawyer buddy of mine," Ernest said. Ronald and Mr. Anderson listened politely. "He met his wife while he was being circumcised. She was his nurse."

I don't know which was worse: the way my romantic heart swelled to nearly bursting, or the sharp whack to my funny bone. Either way I was in grave danger of losing my carefully-cultivated professional cool. Not good. I made the quick mental assumption that Ernest's friend had been well past infancy when the fateful introduction was made, but how could I be sure?

Another pregnant pause, then Ronald piped up: "Wow! She must have been pretty impressed."

That's when I cracked up. And not in a professional sort of way. I laugh rather loudly when I get tickled, and let me tell you, I was severely tickled. Ronald was also roaring. Ernest started guffawing, and then he grinned at me. "What do you think?" He asked. "You figure that was it?"

I wasn't under oath but this was a serious matter and I felt compelled to be honest. "I doubt it," I said. "She probably looked at his chart and saw he was a lawyer ... or maybe she got a gander at his checkbook, since he was indisposed ... and made up her mind then and there." I didn't think my comment was all that funny, but the guys loved it; they laughed and snickered and laughed some more. Ernest was wiping tears away.

"You're probably right," he agreed. We all composed ourselves and managed to finish the depo. Mr. Anderson appeared pleased with himself for having inspired such sparkling repartee.

I was still chuckling about this as I drove home. Isn't it just like men to assume that a woman would go all ga-ga and set her cap for a guy while he's on a doctor's table, sans clothing, his nether regions exposed and (presumably) numbed for imminent surgical alteration? Is that not the height of male ego? It has been said that "Faint heart ne'er won fair maiden" ... and I cannot imagine a man being much more faint of heart than at such a time. Mercy. Give me a break. Flowers die and candy makes you fat, but as wooing scenarios go, anything is preferable to the visual afforded by Ernest's anecdote. Cupid must have been having a distinctly off day.

We all want to find and/or retain our one true love. So remember: it's not a good idea to assume we can be certain what attracts people to us. It's a mystery and that's half the fun. Better to simply go on bathing every day and availing ourselves of the plethora of beauty aids out there that promise to make us more appealing (or at least less appalling). Then, put on a sweet smile and let nature take its course. Because you never know who's looking ... or what they're looking at.

Comments

[iflylowsc]

That is too funny! Men just don't get women, do they?

[Jennifer]

What men don't know about women is a lot!