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The way that I take
Thursday, September 3, 2020 at 09:44PM 
L to R Kay, Mom, me :: August 1, 2020 :: Simpsonville, South Carolina
I'm in Greenville, South Carolina, sitting with my mother.
On July thirty-first of this year, she received a diagnosis of advanced pancreatic cancer that had already spread to her liver.
After a difficult month which included many diagnostic tests and much terrifying illness and several scary episodes and a few procedures and a five-day hospital stay, my mother has declined further treatment and is in the care of her family and hospice.
Mom and great-granddaughter Dagny at Cracker Barrel, a day after the diagnosis
She is eighty-three years old.
It is the first time in my life that I have seen my mother seriously ill -- or ill at all.
On her initial visit with the oncologist, he was incredulous at her medical records. Or lack thereof.
Henry and Dagny and the birthday cake
How is it possible that you have lived over eight decades without needing to consult with a doctor? he wanted to know.
It isn't so much that she has never seen a doctor, as it is that she has seen doctors primarily for routine matters, more to do with wellness than with illness.
Ember came to hang out with Great-Grandma
I can also count on one hand, with fingers left over, the number of times in my life that I have seen my mother cry. And this time is no exception.
She does not go in for self-pity or melancholy, but rather is known for her extraordinary energy and enthusiasm fueled by optimism.
Grandma and Grandpa with Andrew and Brittany and Baby Ember
Her hope is in the Lord. I just want whatever He has for me, she says.
She is weak and tires easily but thus far, there is no pain. She is still eating fairly well although she's lost a significant amount of weight. She sleeps soundly at night, in the hospital bed that is set up in her room next to the bed where Henry, her husband of thirty-seven years, sleeps.
Mom was bedridden for the better part of three weeks
She has reported that if she stirs in the night for any reason, Henry is up and by her side. And he is distinctly hard of hearing.
It was July twenty-third when my mother texted me to say that she had gone to the doctor complaining of fatigue.
Henry and Mom praying at lunchtime on the day she came home from the hospital
Blood tests revealed liver enzyme levels that were off the charts.
A scan on July thirtieth confirmed the diagnosis.
Setting up the hospital bed
The next day, my mother's doctor came to her door. She knew his reason for coming but welcomed him into her house and told him not to worry.
He said that he and his wife (they are longtime family friends) love Mom too much for him to have given her the news over the phone.
Dagny with her Great-Uncle Shawn
Mom called me later that day. I was hanging out in the shallow end of the pool; Audrey was there and heard my phone, and brought it to me.
So I'll never forget where I was standing when my mother said to me, Well, it's not good news.
Our Stephanie with husband Joel, plus Allissa (on the bed), Melanie, and Little Andrew
Her own mother died of pancreatic cancer at the age of sixty-two.
The next day -- August first -- Audrey, Dagny, TG and I drove to Simpsonville, South Carolina, where we met Mom, Henry, my sister Kay, and her husband Philippe, at Cracker Barrel.
Audrey and Dagny
It was to celebrate Henry turning eighty-eight on August fourth.
Mom was severely jaundiced and didn't have much in the way of an appetite, but her smile was undimmed.
Audrey and Erica
We enjoyed our lunch, then sliced up Henry's birthday cake -- after he posed with Dagny.
I promised Mom that I'd come to Greenville the following week, for several days.
Mom and her little brother Dodie
Later the next week, Audrey and Dagny, together with Chad and Erica, traveled to the Upstate to see Grandma.
They helped with cooking and other chores, and spent time with her.
I have always loved you
That Sunday, Mom had a day with many physical difficulties. She'd had a stent placed to help with the jaundice, and in the aftermath she suffered multiple mini-strokes.
I wasn't there, having planned to go back the next day. But my sister texted and was so worried, TG and I rushed up to Greenville a day early.
Take care of yourself
Mom made it through that crisis, but the next few weeks saw her suffer more. She was hospitalized for five days.
Upon coming home from the hospital, having been treated for sepsis, Mom felt markedly better. She has continued to feel relatively well since then.
Siblings and friends
The month of August was busy with many comings and goings. My baby brother Shawn flew from his home in Galveston, Texas, to be with mom for ten days. He flew home and, a week or so later, came back for another two days. He may return as early as next week.
My mother is the eldest of four sibliings. The middle two -- her brother Sherrill and her sister Linda -- are gone. Her little brother, Dodie -- my favorite uncle -- traveled from Louisiana with his wife, Leslee, to see Mom.
Farewell for now
They stayed only one day, but the pictures of Mom and Dodie that that short visit yielded, are as irreplaceable as both of them.
He will never see his sister again until we never say goodbye in Glory.
My babies
Andrew and Brittany and baby Ember came to see Grandma not once, but twice. Andrew has since left for Officer Training School at Maxwell Air Force Base in Montgomery, Alabama, and has no liberty to leave until late October.
Audrey and Dagny and Chad and Erica came and cooked and helped and loved on Grandma.
With the five grands added in, plus s-i-l Joel and d-i-l Brittany ... only our Chad is missing
Stephanie and Joel and the children came to lend their support.
I was able to get a picture of all four of my children together, which is rare.
Just some of her many bouquets
Then I posed up the kids and their beloveds and all five of the grandchildren. The only one missing was our Chad, Erica's husband, who had already gone home.
As I have been here with Mom and Henry this week, there have been so many cards and letters (seventy-two at last count), phone calls, thoughtful texts, floral tributes, donated meals, heartfelt gifts, and in-person visits that I do believe we need to install a revolving door and a switchboard.
Our sole grandson ... we call him Little Andrew
Today, among her many visitors was a twelve-year-old girl who in the last few years has bonded with my mother at church.
Throughout Covid, Mom and Ina have been pen pals. Today was the first time Mom had seen her friend in many months. Ina brought Mom a tiny succulent, and Mom had a gift for her too.
Cousins: Allissa and Ember
My sister Kay, who lives a few miles from Mom. has seven children and twenty grandchildren. Three of her children live locally, but the other four live in Ohio, Indiana, Idaho, and Canada.
They have all come to visit in recent days. Several have come twice. Some are here now; some left only yesterday; one is due in later tonight after driving for many hours.
My baby brother Shawn: always either coming or going
My nieces have cleaned the house and cooked meals and run errands and fussed over their grandparents. The ones who live here have changed endless bed linens and served countless meals and watched a legion of little ones, freeing everyone to visit with and dote on Grandma.
Earlier this week, we had a pizza party at Mom's neighborhood pool. There were so many of us, I lost count. Kids everywhere, having a blast in the summer sunshine. Mom sat on the sidelines in a shaded lounger and enjoyed watching her extended brood splash and play and shriek and chow down and talk, talk, talk.
Friends to the end ... Mom is wearing a bracelet that Ina made for her
Mom and Henry have been overwhelmed at the love and concern shown for them in such tangible ways. It has pointed out to me that where there is heartache and trouble, expressions of love and care -- no matter how small or great -- from loved ones and friends alike, are both welcome and necessary.
It's important to tell people how you feel about them, and show them how grateful you are for them, while they are around to be told and shown.
Sweetness: a trifle bewildered by my repeated absence
For my part, what I am offering to my mother is my presence. Also I bring meals already prepared, and prepare still more while I'm here. Tomorrow I'm making baked spaghetti.
My pets, Rizzo and Sweetness, are being cared for by TG and -- as is the case this week when he himself is out of town -- by my girls. Everyone is pitching in and I have heard no complaints.
Rizzo: Mama is leaving me again
Mom and I have gabbed and gossiped, been quiet, been loud (often when watching Fox News), listened to music, snacked, watched old movies, lazed about, and generally just kept one another company.
I have played this song for her:
Which she said was a comfort.
My mother has hundreds of framed pictures on display in her house. Hundreds. Of her parents, siblings, children, grandchildren, great-grandchildren, and legions of friends.
Henry and Mom, very young, and on their wedding day in 1983
And there are some of herself and Henry, when they were young. And many of me and TG when we were very young, and our children were babies. And many of my children's babies, and my sister's children when they were babies, and of her children's babies. Reminding me of what I already knew: that our lives are but a vapor.
I plan to be here as often as I can, for as long as I can, as long as there is a reason to be. If all my mother needs is a fresh cup of ice water, or if what she needs takes infinitely greater effort, it's the least I can do and it is no burden. She has done as much and more for me throughout my life.
Once upon a time
It's important to tell people how you feel about them, and show them how grateful you are for them, while they are around to be told and shown.
Today, in the morning, before the many afternoon guests began arriving, my mother asked me to help her begin planning her funeral service.
Shawn headed back to the airport for his flight to Galveston
She produced seventeen printed programs from the services of friends from her church, that have taken place over the last ten years.
You still have all of these? I asked.
They were my friends, she said.
Monday of this week: busy busy busy
So I made note of what she liked about the various layouts, and we decided on the Scripture verses and songs we'd have when the time comes.
Don't say I died or passed away, Mom instructed, with an I-Am-Not-Kidding fire in her eyes. Say I went to be with the Lord.
Indeed.
Gifts of love and respect
She will have gone to where no tears will ever fall, where she will have asked to meet her Savior first of all.
Meanwhile we would appreciate your prayers for our mother and our family.
And that is all for now.
L to R Me, Kay, Mom :: March 29, 1964 :: Chicago, Illinois
=0=0=0=
But he knoweth the way that I take:
when he hath tried me, I shall come forth as gold.
= Job 23:10 =
=0=0=0=
Happy Friday :: Happy Labor Day Weekend
Reader Comments (16)
I am so deeply sorry!! It is a blessing that she has so many loving family around her, and YOU with her! I lost my mom to cancer not so very long ago, so know just a bit about what you are going thru. Your mom is beautiful, and looks like such a joyful and positive person. May God bless you, my friend.
@Ginny ... Thank you my friend! He has and I know that He will continue to do so. My condolences to you on the loss of your mother. xoxo
I am so sorry to hear this. Your mom sounds like an incredible woman and your all being able to spend so much time with her is a wonderful thing! God bless you all.
@Jeanette ... Yes it is great to have the time together. Thanks for stopping by, my friend. xoxo
I've been praying for her and for all of you too. I have to tell you that seeing the photo of her and Henry praying brought me to tears, and they continued as I read. Not tears of sorrow. Sad tears but also tears because of all the love shown to her. This is a testimony to her - what a special lady!
It's a gift to have this time, for everyone to be able to say good bye, thank you, I love you.
PS - loved seeing Ember, she's growing so and is adorable.
PPS - I've been so blessed to meet you here in blogland. You've touched my life and although we are miles apart, our hearts are connected! Love you!
@Mari ... Love you too my friend, but you know that. Likewise I am so thankful that I found you. I appreciate your prayers and your tears. All that we've been doing around here is rejoicing. There is no regret and we're all in this together. Mom gets up and gets dressed every day and puts on her red lipstick. Until she stops doing that, we're engaged in life! xoxo
Oh, Jenny....what a beautiful post. I am so, so very sorry about your mother. She is just so lovely..and all your family is just beautiful! I hate, hate, hate cancer! It takes away so many of our loved ones. But how wonderful your mother has lived such a full and healthy life. I pray that for whatever time she has left that she can live in peace and comfort. My mother is 92 and is having health issues for the first time really in her life...mostly her heart is just old and tired. You and I are both fortunate to have had our mothers for so many years. A sweet young friend of mine age 50 will be laid to rest tomorrow and she has a 4 year old. Tomorrow I will have attended 4 funerals in less than 4 weeks...3 of the 4 were 50 or under. My heart is so heavy. I will lift up prayers for your mother and you. I love your mother's outlook...so positive. And I smiled about her saying "don't say I died; say I went to be with the Lord." I love that! My 9-yr-old daughter died in 1986 and I have always, always hated to refer to her as having died. I've often just said she lives in heaven (although some people look at me strangely). I don't know if your mother has read this post, but if she has I know she loved it. Tell her she certainly doesn't look her age. And bless sweet Henry....that picture of them praying touched me so much. May God bless all of you and grant you peace, grace, and strength. Love, hugs, & prayers...Cheri
@Cheri ... Thank you for your wonderful and sweet comment. I don't know how you live after losing a child -- much less a nine-year-old daughter. I think nine-year-old girls are just about the sweetest thing in the world. For years I taught that age in Sunday School and I just think that age of little girl is precious. We are indeed fortunate to have had our mothers for so long but I must admit I'm jealous that you've had a decade with your mom that I've been denied. It's silly, I know; in good time we will all be together again, and it won't be long. I am so sorry about all of the funerals of late and it's ghastly that they were all so young -- especially your friend with the young child. That is hard. I hope you can rest up from all that heartache and stress. I am home now for several days and resting (some) is what I will be doing. I'm so glad we "met" in blogland. Thanks so much for taking the time to read, and to comment so thoughtfully! xoxo
Oh my Dear... I have been less in blog land, after a bout with suspected ingestion of gluten, a big no-no for me. And did not see this post, until now.... Sunday morning, September 6th. I am so sorry to be so late, in commenting. ~sigh~
My heart goes out to you, and to all of your family, at this time. To your mother of course. But she is a very, very, very lucky woman, to have the amazing and loving family, which she has. Because of this, her last days here, will be as comfortable and as peaceful, as is possible.
Many, many gentle hugs to you. Many, many, many... {{{{{{{{{{Jenny}}}}}}}}}}
@MBB ... please do not apologize! I know you have not been well. So sorry to hear about that. Yes my mom is fortunate for many reasons, and she knows it. I guess if you finish up with all of your family around you and loving you, you've done something right. Thanks for reading and for your kind thoughts. I love your posts about approaching autumn! Something I always look forward to with delight. xoxo
I am very sorry to hear about your mother. You & your family will be in my thoughts.
Jenny...... I am just now seeing this after being away for more than a week. I really hate that I got behind reading your posts and especially this most important one. This is a beautiful tribute and I appreciated every word and every photo. I can't even believe what you are saying is true(!) - your mother looks so boundless and healthy in these photos! If attitude is what propels her, then it certainly has worked well for her! I am so glad I got to meet her and Henry - and I will be praying for peace and comfort for her and for you and for all of her loved ones in the coming days. Take care my friend!!
I've been thinking of your mother (and your family) so thank you for this post. Her positive attitude, smiling face, and enduring faith is her final gift to all of you. Having those dear loved ones around her is a balm to her spirit, I'm sure. It's a treasure to spend these moments with your mother, Jenny. My mother also planned her service, telling me her ideas for her final goodbye to us. Stay strong in your heart and mind, my friend. Cry together and also smile. I'm thinking of you.
@Jane ... thank you my friend ... a belated happy birthday to Janna xoxo
@Sydney ... Hello dear and sorry did not see yours and Barb's comments until now. It has been a busy few days and I have not even checked. Thanks for your loving words which I know that you mean. It is hard to comprehend but yesterday I asked Mom (again) if she is sad. She said no and I said, well I am ... and she said this is what the Lord has for me right now and eventually it happens to everyone, and I am 83 and though I would have wished to see the great-grandchildren grow up, that's not to be. So I cried while she didn't and in the end, it is what it is. God is faithful and He is good, not least for giving me a friend like you! Love you so much xoxo
@Barb ... Forgive me for not seeing your comment sooner, my friend, and thank you for your kind concern and thoughts for us. You are right and having been down this road with your mom, of course you would be. So many people have expressed their gratitude for Mom's life and we know that so many are praying for her to have a smooth transition. God is faithful. I will endeavor to be strong because I know that's what will be required. Love you xoxo
Sept. 17th
Thinking of you...
Gentle hugs...
Mari-Nanci
@Mari-Nanci ... Thank you my friend, and thanks for stopping by. I'll check in on you soon. xoxo