Five Guys take me Schooping

Five Guys grace Senate Street. Photo Jennifer Weber 2010Some experiences in life are so sublime, you never forget them no matter how many years go by or how many miles you travel or how many mediocre-to-bad experiences follow.

One of those for me will always be a hamburger at Schoop's … which manna-like goodness I have not tasted since Bush "watch my lips" 41 promised no new taxes.

I used to get dressed and drive to Schoop's while expecting, desperate for one of those burgers with the "lacy" edges. I'd sit alone and wolf my feast, hardly pausing to breathe.

Eating for two. Heavenly.

I never dreamed I'd enjoy anything remotely Schoop-like again.

Until I did … last night. At Five Guys on Senate Street in Columbia. 

(Right across from Ruth's Chris … which, as exquisite a dining adventure as I know that restaurant to deliver, I did not wish to exchange for the mouth-watering anticipation of a perfect hamburger.)

All comparisons are odious but let's do it anyway.

Schoop's Hamburgers (est. 1948) is a relatively small chain -- 19 restaurants isolated to Indiana and Illinois -- while Five Guys (est. 1986) currently boasts 550 restaurants in 35 states.

We've been Wonkaed? Photo Jennifer Weber 2010The menu at Schoop's is deeper than the one at Five Guys -- featuring not only burgers but also chicken and tuna and other delicacies such as Polish sausage (an absolute must in the Midwest) and Irish Nachos.

At Schoop's a regular hamburger is a little more expensive than at Five Guys -- $4.39 as opposed to $3.49 -- and at Five Guys there are fifteen different toppings, all of which you can have heaped onto your burger for no additional charge.

And then there are the fries.

I don't remember anything about the fries at Schoop's except they were good and I consumed them lustily after dragging them through a ketchup spill.

I'll never forget Five Guys fries.

How the night unfolded.

TG and I had gone to Barnes & Noble, where we each bought a book and I ordered an extra title for good measure. Then we hopped onto I-26 and headed for charming downtown Columbia.

I wanted to walk around the State House and take pictures of it and of the grounds.

The soaring magnolia trees are studded with dinner-plate-sized blossoms so creamy, they make cream look like tar.

There is a veritable sea of hydrangea bushes; the abundance of their blooms and the vivid colors of their petals is staggering.

The warm night was just cool enough to be bearable and just sticky enough to be Dixie in May … something that will soon be gone with the wind as stifling heat and withering humility become the norm practically until time to pick out a Thanksgiving turkey.

State House magnolia. Photo Jennifer Weber 2010We were hungry. Unwilling to be so predictable as to be homing humans to our usual haunt -- Harper's in Five Points -- we drove around for five minutes or so.

That's when I saw Five Guys just standing there.

Audge had told us Five Guys was an awesome burger joint. Done!

I announced my intention to eat there and TG began looking for a parking space.

After a conversation in the parking lot with a family from St. Louis who wondered if they had located the capital of South Carolina (they had), we went inside.

Something about the look of the grills and the ambient odors made me look up at TG. 

"This is going to be Schoop-like," I said, a throb in my voice.

His brows lifted. His nostrils flared. He nodded.

Our eyes locked and we shared a reverent moment.

Is this your first time to eat at Five Guys?

The young man who stood ready to take our order was beyond sweet and helpful, all the way to precious. After asking us if we'd ever eaten at Five Guys before (How hard can it be? I wondered), he proceeded to explain the menu.

When he got to the fries part, he told us the small size fed two to three people, ergo there was no need for each of us to order fries.

The gallant Joshua. Photo Jennifer Weber 2010I looked at TG again and we laughed. "Unless we both really like fries," I pointed out.

Which we do.

I could eat for two and I can talk for two.

The order-taker (young family man by the name of Joshua, as it turned out), made me a deal. 

Get a single small order of fries, he advised. 

If after you've eaten those you need some more, just let me know and I'll bring you as many as you want, on the house, he vowed.

I told TG to quick pay the bill before they changed their minds, hoping against hope that our memories of dining at Five Guys would involve a wheelbarrow full of fresh, hot, liberally salted french fries.

The long-awaited analysis and upshot.

I won't take you through every slurp and smack but all I can say is, if you dream of hamburgers keeping company with french fries, those dreams will come true at Five Guys.

The fries are made onsite from fresh Idaho potatoes. Nothing is frozen; they don't even have freezers on the premises.

Fry me to the moon. Photo Jennifer Weber 2010They fill your cup with fries, then see fit to throw a whole extra serving down inside the bag, which is delectably grease-spotted when they bring it to your table.

Joshua not only gallantly and expertly served our food; he hot-footed it back inside to fetch us so much ketchup that I felt free to drench my fries with hedonistic abandon.

The hamburger was delicious.

I can honestly say the burger wasn't quite as excellent as a Schoop's -- or at least, the way I remember a Schoop's -- but it was so good that I do believe I will stop dreaming of Schoop's and begin fantasizing about Five Guys.

Q.E.D. y'all.

Comments

[Audrey]

LUVed the Bush 41 line. Great.
Can't wait to go there again but with you next time.

[Jennifer]

@ Audrey ... girl you know I am champing at the bit.

[Mari]

I want you to know that I'm a little irritated! This is making me hungry and there are no Schoops or Five Guys anywhere near us. We may have to take a trip!
If I ever see either of those places I'll be sure to stop!

[Debbie]

I just had dinner and now I'm starving for one of those hamburgers and fries. Fries are a delicate thing, you can get big ones, little ones, crinkle ones, greasy ones, but freshly made ones are truly the best.

I did a Google search and there are several Five Guys in Nashville, that is the closest to us. Will have to check one out next time we are there.

We have a Red Robin which we like pretty well.

[Jennifer]

@ Mari ... I hope you have the opportunity! Five Guys is opening 200 new stores in 2010. I hope one of them is close enough for you and Bob to have a date night!

@ Debbie ... We like Red Robin! Those bottomless fries are amazing ... although dangerous! I love their bourbon chicken wrap. Lots of fun.