Cursed be the amenities that blind

I guess I'm about to out myself as a most ungrateful traveler.

So be it.

But if Hilton Hotels -- in collusion with someone called Peter Thomas Roth -- is attempting to put the amen back into amenities, they need to face facts: 

Quasi-Epic Fail. And then! Unexpected Redemption.

What is she going on about now, you may be thinking.

Allow me to elaborate.

Naturally when you're unpacking your stuff in the hotel en suite bath, you notice the freebies that have been artfully arranged on a little tray near the sink.

Actually we'd been checked into our room for quite awhile before I spotted something in particular and was moved to investigate.

The three-by-one-inch box -- which weighed less than nothing -- read: Deluxe Grooming Kit.

What have we here, I mused. Air? With which to groom oneself?

I opened the box. Cellophane peeked out. I tugged. It crackled.

At that point I was obliged to fetch my cheaters because I could not actually make out what was encased in the clear wrapping.

The items were that small.

Oh.

Two cotton circles; two cotton swabs; one tiny tooth-flossing device; and an infinitesimal emery board.

In other words: A sho-nuff Deluxe Grooming Kit.

For a gerbil.

You could shine up his little coat with the two cotton circles, swab his tiny ears with the ersatz Q-tips, scrape his itsy-bitsy fangs with the flossing device, and file down his claws with the miniature emery board.

Only, I am gerbil-less. Javier would laugh me out of the room if I attempted to groom him with these things.

What I do have is a memory of when words still meant what they were meant to mean. As in, the word DELUXE.

When I was a kid, the word DELUXE tacked onto something meant bigger, better, more impressive.

Like, if you ordered a DELUXE hamburger? That bad boy was likely to be as big as your head. And have a heap of pickles on it.

That's because the word has a meaning, a definition: "particularly elegant and luxurious; sumptuous."

Sumptuous. Two Q-tips, two cotton circles, a piece of plastic and a scrap of sandpaper?

I think not. Hilton and Peter Thomas Roth need to get the shame out of their game.

As in, if you cannot be literate, at least be honest.

Deluxe Grooming Kit? Before you call it that, it had better contain some Chanel bath luxuries, Lancome skin care products, and Redken hair potions. For starters.

Then there was the Deluxe Shower Cap. The plastic gloves ladies at the school cafeteria wear to plop wilted salad on your plate are more substantial than this item.

I'll show you a DELUXE Shower Cap. Click here. Or here. Or here.

Those are deluxe shower caps. Let's say what we mean and mean what we say.

I don't care if the Hilton does not provide me with a deluxe shower cap. I can't sleep on that, or eat it, after all. But don't give me a piece of thin clear plastic edged with a scrap of elastic and call it a deluxe anything.

I am just saying.

Don't forget the Quick Fix Deluxe Mending Kit. More deluxe! How much deluxe can one woman be expected to stand?

Although the teensy scissors broke as I was extricating them from the deluxe packaging, I imagine if you were in a bind, the four colors of thread already attached to their own needles would be most appreciated. Two dress-shirt-type buttons are included, and two pins -- one straight, one safety.

Somebody thought of everything. Somebody who is obsessed with the word "deluxe."

I didn't need a mending kit however, and I ignored all of the other items provided for my toilette while I was comfortably ensconced at the Knoxville Hilton.

I had, after all, brought my own body wash, pouf, shampoo, conditioner, facial cleanser, hand lotion, et cetera. The kinds I'm used to.

But as we were checking out of our room to go home, I grabbed all the freebies and threw them into my overnight case.

Because, why not. Free is free, deluxe or faux-luxe.

So then as I was taking pictures of these things today -- strictly for your enjoyment, enlightenment, and entertainment -- I noticed how good these Peter Thomas Roth soaps smelled. 

Sort of a fresh, sweet, green-tea fragrance. Very nice.

My soul, thought I. I do believe I will test drive this here Moisture Infusion Facial Bar and this Massaging Bar For Bath.

Even though that last item reminds me of a Quija Board.

So in the shower, I washed my face with that bar of soap. And I love it. It is now in my soapbox.

And that massaging bar! The little nubs! Wonderful. Get you some. Only seventeen dollars for three bars.

Then I used the Mega-Rich Body Lotion -- there was that wonderful aroma again -- and even swished with the Non-Irritating Mouth Wash.

I am soft, I smell good, and now I want to go back to the Hilton and demand a whole second set because if only I'd swiped all the goodies the first day, they would've left me more the second day.

But I didn't. Having scoffed at the Deluxe Grooming Kit that wasn't any such thing, I became a Peter Thomas Roth snob.

And cut off my nose to spite my own face.

Today I went to the hairdressers and he washes and conditions my hair so I didn't get a chance to sample the PTR Mega-Rich Shampoo and Mega-Rich Conditioner.

Maybe I'll just stash them in my train case so next time I go out of town -- which I sincerely hope is not for, like, at least a year -- that will be two less things I have to think about.

But the housekeeper noticed I'd opened the Deluxe Grooming Kit and she left me a second one.

Erica has a friend with a pet gerbil, name of Spunky or Spanky or Sparky or something. The gerbil I mean. I know her friend's name but I have trouble with the gerbil's name.

He's getting that PTR DGK with my blessings. Give his little tongue a rest.

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Happy Wednesday

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Comments

[Mari]

:)
At least you smell good!

[irene]

Your Hilarious, did you not have a good time? since you don't want to go out of town for at least a year.

[Donna (Texas)]

Hahahaaaa.....omg...I know you smell good now but for $17 dollars I think I'll
stick with Suave...
hughugs

[Skunkfeathers]

All a gerbil truly wants is a Peter Whozits Roth complimentary package of sunflower seeds and a wheel to run in. After that...mebbe the massage thingee. But gerbils don't do bubble wrap: first *pop*, and they think the hamster gang is doin' a drive-by on 'em....