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If I had to choose again
Wednesday, June 16, 2010 at 01:44AM 
TG. Photo Jennifer Weber 2007
Big surprise!
I spent the better part of Tuesday in a conference room with lawyers … plus one plaintiff and one defendant.
At least they gave me an ice-cold Diet Coke … and for once, I was the youngest person in the room.
Yes! It matters!
(See, that doesn't happen often anymore. They're springing kids from law school at age twelve now … and if you're twenty-five in this town and haven't lawyered up to either sue someone or defend yourself, you're simply nobody.)
But our plaintiff and defendant of the hour didn't meet when one creased the other's fender doing fifteen, thereby altering the plaintiff's life irrevocably and rendering him or her unable to ever rake leaves -- much less work -- again.
These two have known one another since they were six years old. They each still have six as their first digit, but it stands for six decades.
They're getting a divorce.
Cry Me An Entire Ocean
For hours each recited a litany of complaints and accusations against the other. There were tears. There was shouting.
And that was just the attorneys.
No … seriously. Each party claimed to have been a perfect wife or husband to their two-headed slime-coated eighteen-toed demented monster of a spouse.
He insisted her cooking was unfit to even look at, much less put in his mouth … when she in fact deigned to put down the remote, get off the couch, and prepare a meal.
She contended that Julia Child and Martha Stewart collaborated in teaching her everything she knows and that he has the palate (and table manners) of an adolescent aardvark with ADD/ADHD.
And Now For The Juicy Bits
Once they'd covered her shortcomings as a cook and housekeeper and his proclivity for browbeating her in front of their friends, they got to the good part.
Sex.
She claims he told her Viagra costs ten bucks a pop and she's not worth the expense.
I'll spare you the rest. Truth be known, I've blocked it out. Too traumatic.
And no, I did not spit Diet Coke out my nose at that part. You wish I had, don't you?
Forsooth that I should smudge me pirate eyeliner in such a boorish manner.
I'm not taking sides but I will say this: our soon-to-be ex-husband is not exactly Johnny Depp. In her place I think I would've lobbied Congress for a steep Viagra price hike … just in case her man won the lottery or something, and was inclined to celebrate.
But there I go snarking. Apologies.
This Is How You Keep The Music Playing
TG in Savannah. Photo Jennifer Weber 2010About halfway through the proceedings I had this thought:
I have been incredibly fortunate.
Now, I already knew that. Knew it very well, in fact. Nobody knows more than I the extent to which God has blessed me, and how little I deserve it.
Since it was the eve of my thirty-first wedding anniversary, I suppose the bitter acrimony of the couple who once vowed to love one another till death parted them, resonated with me.
My thoughts turned to my beloved.
He who has never once in thirty-one years complained about my cooking, my housekeeping, or … anything.
I've complained about everything from his snoring to his driving to his choice of neckwear, but TG knows I'm just a ranter and a raver and, at times, a two-headed slime-coated eighteen-toed demented … woman who loves him.
He also knows he's stuck with me.
Happy Anniversary, darling.
++++
Reader Comments (13)
How sad, You would think at that age, they would have figured it out! You know, I'm a nurse at a nursing home. We actually had a woman get divorced when she was a resident there. She and her husband were both in their late 70's and still in their right minds. He would come to visit and there was always arguing and complaining going on. They had been married over 50 years.
I'm thankful for my hubby too and plan to keep him!
I would write something profound, but that's just not my style. ;-)
Happy 31st anniversary!
Happy ANNIVERSARY you two!!
Love BS's singing...and I SO agree...just shut up and sing...Lololol...Those were during the Elliott Ghould days weren't they? Lord how time is flying by...
Your Honey is Handsome Sweetie!!
Hugs to you both!
hughugs
@ Mari ... incredible! You'd have thought he'd just quit visiting her ... but why put yourself through a divorce? You know the funny/sad part about this couple yesterday? They'd been married (to each other) less than two years. She's been through four divorces. He's been through two. He's living with a woman now. It's tragic to see grownups acting like spoiled mannerless children.
@ kev ... your style is quite often profound! But thanks, friend.
@ Donna ... handsome he is! I think Barbra's a leftwing loon but nobody can fill her shoes when it comes to crooning! I don't know when she got with Elliott Gould, but this was certainly early on. Amazing pipes, LOLOL!
Happy Anniversary! We're at 31 1/2 so we're just ahead of you. I am so happily married that I feel sorry for everybody that isn't - but I too am shocked at the level of raw fury and hatred I hear expressed by women toward their spouses. (I'm sure men can be mean, too, but I mostly talk to women). If they could hear themselves impartially they'd see how little of their problems are really because of their spouse whom they are blaming. Joy comes from God and they will have nothing to give until they let Him fill them with love first.
OK, I almost blew my Michelob Ultra Lime Cactus out of my nose with that story! Honestly, it makes you wonder what kept a marriage like that together for so long, LOL!
Happy anniverysary to you and your darling husband!
@ Tracie ... Oh you child bride you! LOLOL and now a grandbaby on the way. So wonderful. Agreed re: people complaining about their husband or wife. Most people already know their shortcomings; they want to be loved in spite of them. It's what you call unconditional.
@ Donna M. .... we aims to please! LOLOL glad you got a chuckle! Incidentally, these two were married to each other for less than two years. They've got six marriages (and six divorces) between them. Somebody's hard to get along with!
Aw, BEAUTIFUL post girl! Sounds like u've got ur prince charming! Now...I about blew tea out my nose when I came to the sex stuff...Lol! Too funny!
@ Crystal ... he is charming, and handsome and funny and romantic! Talk about hitting the lottery! Glad you got a chuckle from my post ... it was an interesting day on many levels! LOLOL =:~D
I've been so busy that last couple of days I haven't stopped by, sorry.
Happy anniversary and may you have many more.
My sweet hubby (the sweetest man on Earth as I call him, but I bet you would argur, heh) and I will celebrate our 38th anniversary in September. Not too many people can brag about staying together and actually still loving each other as they did when they first met. We can honestly say that we love each other even more each day.
@ Debbie ... don't apologize! I know from busy. And thanks for your congratulations. You and I seem similarly situated when it comes to having found the sweetest men on earth to marry! The first thing I ever noticed about my Greg was his sweetness ... well, that and how handsome he is ... LOL. He's the best. I hope someday we can celebrate 50 ... and I hope you and your sweetie can too!
I find that Diet Coke can get me through just about anything.
@Anvilcloud ... ain't it the truth? In this case I wanted to pour it on someone's head.