Don't take me for a fluo-ride
Yesterday I did one of my favorite things:
I had my teeth cleaned.
Just kidding.
About it being one of my favorite things, that is.
However, now that I've found my Happy Dental Home (my dentist's words, no lie), even my less-favorite things are better than they used to be.
For example, due to a hard-fought battle won (by me) nearly two years ago, I am no longer subjected to even the merest suggestion that I indulge in an apres-dental-hygiene-appointment fluoride swish.
Beth, the adorable and sweet hygienist who took care of me yesterday, eyed my chart for a few seconds, then said:
"No fluoride for you, right?"
Right! Let's sing it in unison!
No fluoride for Jenny!
I've trained them well.
This post from November of 2009 -- when I had a completely different dentist -- will explain why.
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I visited my dentist's office on Monday for a routine teeth cleaning.
The practice charges $119 for one of their excellent hygienists to perform this service.
So naturally, when the ordeal procedure was over and I went up front to pay, clutching my plastic goody bag of two extra-soft toothbrushes, a quarter-sized disc of dental floss, and a runt tube of toothpaste, I expected the receptionist/cashier to say: "The charge is one hundred nineteen dollars today, Mrs. Weber."
Or, "That'll be one hundred nineteen today."
Or, "A hundred and nineteen dollars, please."
Or at the very least, "One nineteen."
But she didn't say any of those things.
Cool as an out-of-order Cavitron she enunciated, and I quote: "That will be two-oh-three."
Two-oh-three what? Dollars? For a one-hundred-nineteen-dollar cleaning?
Something seemed to have gone awry.
I looked behind me to see if perhaps I had inadvertently volunteered to pay for someone else's dental services in addition to my own.
Seeing no one, I asked the extortionist receptionist to explain.
"You had a fluoride rinse and an exam today too," she said.
Well, yes. Yes, I suppose I did enjoy a fluoride rinse. My, was it ever tasty.
Following my cleaning I'd been instructed to swish for 60 seconds with a half-ounce of blue mouthwash that the hygienist dispensed into a plastic thimble from a gallon jug with a pump on the top.
Turns out that half-ounce swish cost me $36.
In case you do not have a calculator handy, allow me to do the math.
The gallon jug contained 128 ounces of fluoride mouthwash. Each dose measures one-half ounce, so that means that there are 256 swigs in the jug.
At thirty-six bucks a dose, that comes out to $9,216.
I do believe Kryptonite is much cheaper, makes your choppers glow in the dark, and gives you superpowers to boot.
By the way, I checked out some dental supply web sites. The jug of mouthwash cost the dentist about $60.
Who said capitalism is dead?
Forget gold coin! The smart money is on fluoride rinse! It's recession-proof and you get an 8,000-percent return on your investment!
On second thought, is there a dental mafia in Columbia nobody is telling us about?
When I picked my jaw up off the floor, being careful not to sully my very clean, very expensive teeth, I asked what -- and why -- the "exam" cost me extra.
(See, I was under the impression that the dentist moseying by after your cleaning -- and swishing -- and peering around inside your mouth and asking the hygienist for the lowdown on the happy-camper quotient of your gums and teeth, was all part of the deal. Silly me.)
"That was $48," replied the book-cooker cashier. "He examined your teeth."
Again I was agog and attempted to argue.
"He looked inside my mouth for all of 90 seconds," I spluttered. "For the rest of the four minutes he was in the room, we talked about the weather! He must make, like, three grand an hour!"
She shrugged and recited automatically: "I think you'll find our prices are competitive."
I don't know about that, but it certainly all added up ... $119 plus $48 plus $36 equals $203.
Still, at $72 an ounce, I might as well swish with Chanel Number Five.
And I can't help but wonder about the street value of that $9,216 bottle of mouthwash.
Before long there will be stories in the news about automobile-trunk fluoride labs.
I'll make it my personal mission to bring the Caped Crusader up to speed on that ... next time I see him around Gotham.
Smile! It's the weekend!
Reader Comments (9)
They keep coming up with new things to do and to charge us for. Rather than on visit a year, most dentists want you there twice a year. They automatically do x-rays, but now they have a full mouth / jaw x-ray they are pushing, very expensive, on top of everything else. I simply tell them 'no thank you'. I use Crest toothpaste with floride, I haven't had a cavity in 40 years
I don't think I've ever had a fluoride rinse. Weird.
I encourage my children to become dentists, think of the beautiful nursing home they could afford to put me in, but noooooooooooo they wanted to be happy in their careers. Hope your mouth feels awesome.
Whew, that is some handsome profit on those extras! My dentist doesn't charge extra for the exam part of the cleaning. And there is no rinse. I hope my dentist doesn't find out about these kind of charges!
What? I thought you told them NO Floride?!!!
I would have argued then gone back and asked the hygenist just WHY she gave me a cup of the foul, life threatening crap to Swish AFTER I had told her NO FLORIDE!Grrrrrr......That stuff is a killer! People are beginning to wake up to the fact that towns that are putting that stuff in our water need to Stop it!
I hate the stuff...can you tell?Hahaaaa
hughugs
@Debbie ... good for you, no cavities! TG has never had a cavity and he's nearly 60. I have not been so lucky. I really do like my current dentist. Much better than the old one.
@Hobbit ... not even as a kid? The nurse used to come around to our classrooms and make us swish.
@irene ... LOL kids just don't listen, do they? Seems to me dentistry is the way to go if you want to make big bucks. My mouth does feel awesome.
@Donna M. ... I wish I had your dentist! All the ones around here seem eager to tack on extra charges. Now I won't let them touch me until they've told me exactly what it will cost.
@Donna ... girl you are not paying attention! It was two years ago that I had the experience with the unwanted fluoride rinse. This past week, because I've trained this new dentist very well, they knew better than to offer it to me.
@Jennifer -- I remember having to swish flouride in school when I was a kid, too! We'd line up at the nurse's office and do the swish and spit. Maybe Gov. Perry remembered that too? ;)
I don't get the liquid when I visit the dentist; now it's the powder they grind into your teeth at the end of they exam. At least it has a minty taste or I'd probably gag. I just wish the hygienist hadn't studied at the Josef Mengele school of flossing. Man, that hurts!
However, I do have to say that finding a good dentist is like finding a good car mechanic. It's just trial and error until you get lucky. And I've gotten lucky on both accounts. No matter how much fun I poke at them, I wouldn't give up either of them.
@TMT ... hi and thanks for stopping by IHATH my friend! Josef Mengele school of flossing ... ROFL ... I hear you and I have been flossed in that manner. This young crop of hygienists tends to be more simpatico to soft gum tissue that's just been assaulted by sharp instruments! And you are so right about the importance of finding (and keeping) a good dentist. It's more than the cutesy water bottles and Keurig coffeemaker in the lobby (which itself is outfitted with leather sofas and artsy fountains). It's about having a dentist you can trust with both your teeth and your hard-earned money.
Thank you Dear Jenny, for your concern, during Hurricane Irene!