Feeling The (Peer) Pressure
Thursday, October 18, 2007 at 09:54PM This morning I got up, swilled two mugfuls of strong coffee, prepared the remains for viewing, and set sail for Aiken, South Carolina, where I had been retained to report the deposition of a man who filed a workers' comp claim resulting in a lawsuit. (Imagine that!) Turns out he fell over backwards while perched atop a bowling-pin setter, attempting to repair it. He has not worked a day since. I wish I could report to you that the scintillation factor of this proceeding was such that it made the newly-dyed hair on the back of my neck stand on end, but I think it was the Johnny Depp picture-button stuck to my microphone case that brought about that particular reaction! Some things never change.
Thankfully the depp-osition did not last all that long and around lunchtime I was on my way home. You will be pleased to know that I passed right by the Sho Nuff Good restaurant (family-owned, of course) on the outskirts of horsey Aiken, even though I was hungry enough to eat one of those horses. Something told me the porkfat content in Sho Nuff Good's menu would have an adverse effect on my figure! (I'm very intuitive that way, at times.) At home I could have a virtuous lunch of cold chicken and an apple with a slice or two of sharp cheddar, washed down with Diet Caffeine-Free Pepsi and topped off by a dessert of frozen black grapes! I would press on, zipping eastward on Interstate 20, and be home well before I fainted of famishment.
Less than an hour later I had exited the interstate and was on a main thoroughfare about five miles from my house when I noticed I was being rather aggressively tailgated by a woman behind the wheel of a tan minivan. We were in a somewhat congested area and were not traveling at a high rate of speed but even so, she was driving so close to me that I began to wonder if she had become enamored of my darling little car or perhaps thought she knew me! Just as I began to get truly annoyed by her uncomfortable proximity to my vehicle, we came to a red light and she swerved into the turn lane to my right. As we both braked and her car came even with mine I glanced in her direction, hoping to give her a look that subtly conveyed the sentiment "No, I don't want to know you any better than I already do!" Imagine my surprise when she smiled real big and motioned for me to lower my passenger-side window! For reasons I don't fully comprehend, I complied, although I assure you I pressed the button with no small degree of hauteur tempered by apathy.
My fellow motorist was all worked up about something, waving her hands and pointing toward my car. Before I had a chance to get worried that the back of my car had in fact fallen off, or that my hair was on fire, or that something equally catastrophic had or was about to transpire, she shouted: "Did you know that your bumper is two different colors? It's really weird! I've been looking at it and I couldn't help noticing it's two colors! Did you know that? It's so weird!" Wondering what she was smoking, I just nodded and smiled and eased up slightly on the brake. You will be gratified to know that I resisted the urge to shout back: "Six more inches and you would've been buying me a new one, luv!" But alas the light changed, and this brief but meaningless encounter was brought to an end.
Now, let me just set the record straight before we drive another inch: the bumper of my darling little Cadillac CTS is NOT two colors. It is ONE color: Thunder Gray, just like the rest of my car. A few minutes ago I went and checked again, to be sure. See, even after the nice lady who "noticed" inconsistencies in the color of my bumper had turned right and gone home (I hope) to sleep off whatever hallucinogenic substance she had ingested, I was paranoid that my bumper looked funny! Even though I knew it didn't! Were other drivers eyeing my bumper and making me and my car the butt of jokes? Were they texting their friends and relatives as we sat at lights ... maybe even taking pictures with their phones? Would a video feed of my "weird" two-tone bumper be on youtube before I got home? Would we have to move away, change our names, and start over in a different city?
So if you happen to be following me, please don't peer too closely at my bumper. Turns out I can't take the pressure.
Reader Comments (2)
Don't know about your bumper Jen, not having seen your car, but I am impressed at your determination to avoid the tempting goodies at Sho Nuff Good and head home for chicken and grapes!
Yes! I was on a roll as it were ... but not a buttered one lest I gain a pound! Funny how a two-ounce serving of white bread can put a pound on each hip ... go figure ...