Chicksmiths, LLC
Tuesday, June 3, 2008 at 10:44PM 
About ten days ago my son, Andrew, locked his keys in his truck. He was at home at the time! Just jumped out and locked his keys inside! HAHA! Yesssss. Confirmed: this could happen to anyone ... even someone who is not a female. And no; he did not have a spare truck key in the house. That would have been too easy!
Andrew was obliged to whip out his cell phone, which he wears on his person (had he locked his phone in the truck it would most likely have been necessary to sedate him before withdrawal set in ... I think if it were possible, Andrew would have his phone installed in his body like a pacemaker), and engage the services of a locksmith. Ch-ching!
Our necks swiveled at precisely the same instant, to look at one another, and her eyes were real big and so were mine, and both of our mouths were hanging open.
Audrey was home for a visit so naturally she, Erica, and I waited outside with Andrew for the locksmith to arrive. As I said in a recent post involving the dead possum in our yard, nothing much happens around here so when a situation -- any situation! -- crops up, we all trip over ourselves in a rush to provide moral support. Occasionally we inject copious amounts of sarcasm into the infrastructure of said moral support, but that's to be expected. We could tell Andrew would just as soon have greeted the locksmith all by his onesie but we felt it was our duty to stand by him, our son and bother brother ... so stand by him we did.
And lo, an idea was born!
What happened was, when the locksmith drove up to our house he oh-so-casually, in absolutely the polar opposite of anything that in any context could be mistaken for any kind of hurry by anyone even remotely acquainted with that concept, came to a stop at the curb. He then very carefully set his truck's gearshift to "P" for park, slowly opened his door, and, at a pace that in comparison would make a geriatric snail resemble Roger Bannister on Red Bull, emerged wielding a long flat silver object.
It take-a panache, y'all.
You who are in the know will recognize the silver object as a "slim jim" ... the type of which helpful policemen at one time carried in their squad cars so that they could perform the public service of rescuing hapless vehicular-key-locker-inners. Alas, given the ludicrous legal frivolity that has become the norm in our increasingly litigious society ("Your Honor, Officer Yardbird Helpful is responsible for the presence of this canyon-sized minuscule divot scratch on my car which he inflicted when he was defacing unlocking my door for me and I believe I am owed property damages in the amount of twice what the car is worth, plus punitives not to exceed one million dollars, for my pain and suffering."), those days are unfortunately gone the way of $2.50-per-gallon gasoline.
These days when you lock your keys in the car, you are obliged to make a lightning-swift decision, to wit: "Shall I start walking, stick out my thumb, suck my thumb, break a window, or call a locksmith?" (Depending on the car, breaking a window can be cheaper than calling a locksmith.) Ch-ching!
Swifty the locksmith ambled about ten yards to where Andrew's truck was sitting (we three females helpfully pointed it out to him). He approached the passenger side, slid the slim jim into the space between the door and the window in the vicinity of the lock, and in less than two seconds the door was open. He smiled real big and held out his hand for the $35 check Andrew was hastily scribbling as we females continued to heckle lend moral support.
Ch-ching!
"He must have given him a discount. I paid $60 when it happened to me," Erica offered.
Ch-ching!
Audrey and I had the same idea at the same time. I know this because our necks swiveled at precisely the same instant, to look at one another, and her eyes were real big and so were mine, and both of our mouths were hanging open.
(I will thank you not to snicker. Our mouths are indeed sometimes closed, but not often when we're together because we are either yammering or eating or both. Okay, go ahead and snicker! We don't care.)
The upshot is that Audrey and I, who are both notoriously wary weary of working for a living, have decided to start a mobile car door unlocking business. We have not completely decided on a name but we are arguing about thoughtfully considering either "Babes On Wheels" or "You Lock It, We Pocket" ... your cash, that is!
On the spot, as we waved goodbye to Andrew's money the locksmith, Audrey and I came up with several other ways in which our service will be unique. We've got it all planned out. We will coordinate our outfits so we don't clash and we'll each limit ourselves to one spritz of perfume so as not to overpower one another as we drive all over Columbia and the surrounding areas, bilking helping people. Our bling jewelry will be tasteful, our hair will always be stylish, and we will wear heels no lower than three inches. We want you to be proud of your roving locksmiths.
Naturally, however, our locksmithery will be limited to the use of a slim jim. Yes! We are lazy purists!
When we arrive at the scene of your blunder misfortune we'll each give you a dazzling smile and, depending on your age and gender and whether you have bathed, a big comforting hug. We'll say stuff like, "Awww, yew pore thang! It's not yer fawwlt! Yew were jes' tiyerd! We'll have yew ridin' in a jiffy, darlin'!" If, that is, we can get all that out in the time it takes to saunter over to your car door and unlock it with a hot pink sparkly slim jim. If not we'll keep up the palaver sweet talk while we take all your money accept remuneration for our fine services.
If you need fashion advice or a makeover to get you through the bad day you're having (you know ... the one where you locked your keys in your car and are paying us $2,000 an hour to unlock it), we can do that. We'll bring along cosmetics and hairspray and hot wax, and leave you with all the free advice we can dispense in a minute and a half.
There will be a big cooler full of diet soft drinks for hot days, and on cold days, hot chocolate and coffee. If your stupidity bad luck happens in the morning, we'll give you a Danish with your beverage. In the afternoons we'll have muffins for you that Audrey has churlishly thoughtfully baked the night before. Or that we picked up at Kroger.
Of course we will accept cash and all major credit cards. Debit too. No checks. In rare circumstances we will accept loose diamonds as long as the following criteria are met: (a) the stone(s) is/are at least one carat total weight and high in quality; (b) the stone(s) is/are registered, certified, and has/have been recently appraised; and (c) the stone(s) is/are not hot.
Coming soon to a neighborhood near you: chick locksmiths. Chicksmiths, LLC ... that's it! That's the one!
Ch-ching ...
Reader Comments (19)
ROFL! Yeah, I've had to call someone to break into my car for me! They used a strip of that stiff woven packing tape, if I remember rightly, but he was just a slightly dodgy friend of a family member. I ain't saying who.
But Chicksmiths? Go for it! Dress right, talk right, you could make a fortune! LOL!
That's what we figure, Jay! Beats working.
I'd be locking my keys in the car daily. I think I'd need to set up a tab and get a monthly billing arrangement set up.
Great blog.
Ooooooh thanks for the compliment, Don! You get a hefty discount for that!
Back atcha blog-wise! You make me laugh.
Wow...$35 to spend 3 seconds unlocking a car door is highway robbery. But he's lucky it was in the middle of the day. Your daughter was lucky to pay only $65, even. Once I locked my keys in the car at a friend's house, and didn't realize it until I went to leave at about 1:30am. Know how much they charge you in the middle of the night? Yep, $95. RIDICULOUS!
Brilliant and very entrepreneurial idea! In fact, I think all you need to bring is the slim jim and the customer can do the rest! Better charge by the hour though, 'cuz I bet a lot of customers would just be calling for the pleasure of your company (and the muffins).
@ Angi ... yikes, I never thought of how much the price must go up in the wee hours ... another good reason I've taught my kids, you don't need to be anywhere after midnight but in your bed.
@ Keli ... you like our idea, eh? Oh yeah, we'll be known much more for our schmoozing and the muffins than anything else, that's for sure ... oh, and don't forget the fashion advice!
Jenny, I love the description "a geriatric snail"! That made me laugh out loud! I literally got an image of the old geezer lumbering up the driveway.
Great business idea, too! Let me know how it goes, I may start one down here just like it! ha ha!
Tag, you're it. :) See my blog...
@ Darla ... LOL! Funny thing is, this kid was about 20 years old ... like where you live, the climate pretty much precludes most people moving very fast in the months between May and November ... but he was about as unmotivated as anyone I've ever seen. Must have been a slow day for vehicular-key-locker-inners!
@ Angi ... I'm on my way! Watch out for skid marks!
I put my keys in the boot (trunk) of my car while I loaded the shopping and then slammed the lid shut and as I hadn't opened the car door yet I was stuck! I had to phone the rescue people who arrived very quickly but spent an HOUR trying to get the lid open electronically. He had to slip a little balloon type thing between the lid and the car and inflate it to create a small gap, find a wire lurking there, slip some electrical leads onto the wire - in just the right place and then zap the wire until finally, the lid popped open. Sheesh! Luckily, it was a free service supplied by the car manufacturer or it would have cost me a fortune! I am super careful now, needless to say :)
I'd have much rather have you arriving for a natter :)
By the way, Haven Kimmel is my friend Claire's mate, out in LA. She has written about her on her blog...
This idea sounds like a money machine. Could I be a silent partner? By that I mean can I contribute nothing to the business whatsoever, but still receive a cut of the proceeds?
Well, Kev ... there is no free lunch but Audrey and I will do most of the heavy lifting if you agree to: (1) tell us every day how awesome we are, and (2) clean up after us when we make a mess! By that I mean, sand and re-paint the divots we put in doors by our inartful use of the slim jim!
We'll distract the "customers" by giving them facials while you do your thing.
What flavor muffins do you like?
been there done that and do not have the t shirt or the money that I gave to them for opening my car I cannot tell you how many times. We finally added the roadside assist to our insurance and they came free but then when we wanted them to insure our new house they said because of all the claims they could not. Who would have thought that they would be related to a car lockout ok 15 car lockouts ! lesson learned.
I think the idea for the chic lock queens is a great one. Maybe Kelly and I will take it on in Charleston. I think we could be the "Open for Business" crew here.
We are always trying to think of a way to make money without working. It seems everyone has found a way to do that except us. I think we could add onto the lock out business ... a battery charge service as well.
Lately I am thinking that we should buy a power washer and wash houses... you could stay cool in summer by spraying down every time you get hot and how difficult can it be?????? I just paid someone 150.00... it took him one hour... I know that jim never made that much defending the country... 150.00 an hour ! Thanks for the tag... I will go do that now !
Whoa Dixie, have you had 18 cups of coffee today, LOL! So many great ideas! You locked your keys out of your car 15 times? I don't feel so bad now for the three or four times I've done it! In my whole life! Now, you can have the powerwashing because I'm against messing up my hair and makeup, but yeah, you and Kelly go for it with Chicksmiths, Charleston branch. We'll be a franchise before you know it!
Wow, what a great idea! Made for a fun post anyway. Have you noticed, by the way, how Johnny Depp looks totally, completely different in every single picture or movie? Of course you have. It's part of what makes him such a great actor.
LOL! Yeah Rosezilla, I have noticed that a time or two ... and picked my jaw up off the floor a time or two as well! He's something, ain't he?
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