I can't tell you why
Monday, January 16, 2012 at 12:44PM 
TG and I heard from some old friends last week.
Correction: TG heard from an old friend. I'll call him Joe but that's not his real name.
Joe's wife, Gina -- not her real name either -- and I had a chance to be friends too, back around 1980, but things didn't work out.
You'll have to take my word for this but it wasn't my fault. When it comes to polite social interaction, Gina is one of the least accessible people I've ever known.
Then she chose to launch a personal attack on me, but that's neither here nor there.
Bygones.
The last time TG and I saw Joe and Gina was in 1996 when we were guests in their home for a few days. It was a nice enough time but most of my energy was spent thawing Gina to the point that we could engage in quasi-meaningless small talk.
I guess she's just never been all that into me.
I'm good with it. I already have more and better friends than I deserve.
Auld Acquaintance
So last week TG got a text from Joe and although I didn't read it, the upshot was that Gina's got stage four breast cancer that has spread to her lungs, spine, and other assorted anatomical nooks and crannies.
I was alarmed, naturally, but also intrigued by the news because, after rearing five children, Gina went back to school and became a registered nurse.
How could someone who works in a hospital find out one day she has cancer so out of control, her chances of survival are slim to none? I wondered.
I mean, mammograms are not exactly five-thousand-dollar shopping sprees but we submit to them anyway, don't we, girls?
Am I right?
"Call Joe," I said to TG.
I wanted details.
Yesterday morning on the way to church, having talked to his friend Joe sometime on Saturday, TG filled me in.
Cleopatra, Queen of Denial
Turns out Gina found the lump four years ago and refused to seek either diagnosis or treatment. She ignored the mass and went about her business.
The only person she told was Joe, who urged her to consult a doctor. But Gina would not go. She didn't want chemotherapy, she said.
A few days ago Joe was on an errand some distance from their home when he got a call from Gina, who hadn't been feeling well over the Christmas holidays.
She told him to meet her at the hospital.
Only, when he arrived and asked where he could find his wife, there was no record of Gina having checked in.
He called her cell. "Where are you," he wanted to know.
"In the parking lot," she said.
Gina'd been sitting in her car for nearly two hours, afraid to walk into the hospital and ask for help.
People Who Need People
I was still mulling what TG had told me as I sat in the pew yesterday morning, listening to the prelude, waiting for the service to start.
My left peripheral vision was engaged when a tiny -- so tiny! -- female form appeared in the aisle. She was all curls and crinolines, patent leather and lace.
The toddler was hurtling, unaccompanied, toward the steps leading to the platform.
"Where's she going," TG mused.
We watched as she reached the steps and began climbing, barely breaking her stride.
She was on a mission but it was anyone's guess why, because there was nothing to speak of at the top, no relatives or toys or puppies or snacks. No bright colors. Only ecclesiastical furniture.
But the moppet was going up higher. She had a destination in mind.
My right peripheral vision was then engaged when a young man with a distinctly paternal vigor appeared.
He hustled to the baby girl gone rogue, reaching her just before she plateaued.
Ain't No Mountain High Enough
What happened next was both cute and telling. Without pause and with assured purpose, the young dad scooped his daughter into his arms and carried her back to their seat.
What he did not do was reason with her. He gently but forcibly, with the weight of authority, reversed her direction and put an end to her escapade.
The time for talk would come later.
I thought of Joe and Gina. Why didn't Joe force Gina to see her doctor four years ago? Joe is a big, strong man and Gina is a small woman. He could have compelled her to go in such a way that she had no choice.
He could've insisted. He could've refused to take no for an answer, been disinclined to discuss it.
I wouldn't want to be him when he explains to their children why he didn't.
And I hope his insistence, his forcible reversal of her direction, isn't what Gina was waiting for.
Dust in the Wind
During church I was still thinking about Gina. I remembered when she was a bride, thirty-seven years ago. She wore one of the most entrancing wedding gowns I've ever seen. With every step she took, Gina's dress twinkled like mad.
Years later, on one of the few occasions I attempted to make girl talk with Gina, I complimented her on the breathtaking sparkle of her wedding ensemble.
"That was my fantasy," she said matter-of-factly, and although it was of the blink-or-you'll-miss-it variety, I do believe for an eighteenth of a second her expression softened.
Yesterday in my mind's eye I saw two aisles: the one beside me where the adorable tot had just barreled past, beelined for the platform, and the one Gina lit those many years ago as she walked sedately toward the altar to marry her true love.
And I recalled that Gina has been a devoted wife and an excellent mother, and I'm sure she's a terrific grandmother. I have no doubt she is an outstanding nurse.
Gina spent her life providing for others the care and comfort she would ultimately deny herself. She worked alongside doctors but didn't trust even one of them enough to confide her burden.
She's not yet sixty and has a great deal left to do, but Gina made a choice not to confront her disease when it still might have been manageable.
Take Me to the River
Joe told TG that now, Gina has consented to chemotherapy.
It's a mystery.
What isn't a mystery is that our lives are not about getting gain to ourselves or catering to our fears, no matter how real and powerful.
Every day we live presents another opportunity to help someone. To disseminate truth and have a positive impact.
We are here to do as much as we can for as many as we can in as many ways as we can, for as long as ever we can, to the glory of God our Creator.
I'm neither a doctor nor a Pollyanna and I don't play either one on TV, but something tells me Gina has robbed both herself and her family of years of influence she could have used to tremendous effect.
And that is a shame.
She Won't Have to Cross Jordan Alone
Gina has a firm testimony of faith in Christ and, since I believe in Heaven and I believe both she and I are going there when we die -- not because we are "good" but because we have both trusted the same sinless Savior -- I'm sure the next time I see Gina, that's where it will be.
I hope there, we can be good friends. Until then I'll be praying for Gina and Joe and their family. I hope you will too.
You can call her Gina when you ask God to help and comfort her. He knows her real name and all about her, just as He knows everything there is to know about both you and me.
Let it all be a lesson.
Meanwhile I wish you a happy Monday and a blessed week.
Reader Comments (13)
Several thoughts come to mind. As to why "Gina" did not seek medical help, you will probably never know, same with why her husband did not force her to seek medical help. I'm the opposite. Years ago I found a lump in my breast I immediately went to the doctor, who told me it was probably nothing to worry about, just a cyst. But I insisted that it be removed and tested. It was and it was not cancer. However, this prompted me to be more vigilant with mammograms etc. I spent years having "questionable" mammograms, then biopsies of various kinds. The results was always "we don't see any cancer, but you have so many micro-calcifications it is impossible for us to test them all. I took the closest thing to a sure-fire attempt to make sure all that tissue was removed. I had a bilateral simple mastectomy, as suggested by my doctor, radiologist, and surgeon. I've never regretted it.
I learned later that a friend of ours lost his wife to breast cancer because she had the same situation and took did nothing about it.
I am thankful.
As to Gina and her personality, perhaps it is that she is just a very shy, unsure person and you have misjudged her as being cold.???
@Debbie ... thanks for sharing your experiences. You are brave and I'm so glad you took the course of action you did. Funny you should say that about my misjudging Gina, because yesterday I said to TG, I think her problem is the most profound insecurity imaginable. And yet she has overcome that to be such a great example of a wife, mother, and productive member of society. And I'm sure she's a much better Christian than me. I only wish her well and I'm sorry she didn't face up to the problem when the outcome might have been better. She has my prayers and all good thoughts for her recovery. God still works miracles.
What a story. And seeing as I use to work in the medical profession it seems that they are worse in getting themselves checked out. I have several nurse friends and it's like that with them as well. Sad. They all have families, patients that benifit in some way from them and yet they are slack in caring for themselves. I will be praying for your almost but no so much but soon will be one day in Heaven friend. I do believe we all have people in our lives like this. I know I do and plenty of them. Hugs to you and hubby and to her and her hubby. They both have a long road in front of them mentally on the coulda/shoulda. I hope they both find the peace they need.
Well, being an old nurse myself, it's true what Crystal said...we are the WORSE offenders! I think it's because we've just seen TOO much of the medical profession and it's resulting effects. Did you know that there are labs that insist on meeting a "quota" on breast cancer screenings? Some of them must meet a certain amount of "cancerous" VS "noncancerous" calculations...sickening. Can I Prove it? No... Did you know the mammogram will NOT pick up what an ultrasound Will? To me, mammography in this country isn't the greatest...too much damn greed involved. Will it ever get better? Obama care will make Sure it doesn't....
Bless your friend's heart....and her family. It was her decision alone...Joe probably did and said everything he could to get her to check it out but to no avail. Just because you love someone, it won't help them become any smarter.
Spread to lungs and spine? See what I mean about greed? It's all about the money at this point....
Sorry Jenny, I get SO pissed at hospitals and doctors...I think I've also seen too much...
(((HUG)))
@Crystal ... interesting you should say that. Gina has an older sister who is a nurse and she told Joe that medical professionals make the worst patients in the world. It probably is a result of seeing so much of death and suffering that the rest of us are spared. But what Gina is facing now can't be any better or preferable to what she would have faced four years ago. And if she'd faced it then, she might have a future now.
@Donna ... I know mammography isn't the only or even necessarily the best diagnostic tool, but it's better than nothing. In Gina's case, she felt the lump and knew what it was, and ignored it anyway. And I don't like doctors and hospitals either, but you'd better know if I find a lump, I'll be putting myself in the care of a physician who I believe has my best interest at heart. I know it's a long shot but I would take the chance before I'd impersonate an ostrich and likely shorten my life by years.
Such a sad story. I too will pray for Gina.
It's true - nurses are terrible patients. However - how sad this is! Good reminder to follow what we tell others to do. My mammogram is nearly due and I will go and have it done.
I have a hard time thinking someone didn't get along with you, because I love you!
PS - we had an escapee try to make it up front at church yesterday too. Ours was a boy but it worked about the same as your cute little girl. :)
@Irene ... thanks luv. I know she would appreciate it.
@Mari ... I love you too and I want you to have that unpleasant test done, no matter how imperfect or inconvenient it may be. Your family needs you just as mine needs me. And I think Gina maybe got along about as well with me as she did with anyone. Some people you'll never figure out. "Escapee" ... HAHA!!!
The walls we build around us to keep out problems or people also keep out the Blessings God has in store for us!! "Gina" has missed out on a lot of Blessings that were coming her way. Let's pray that in the coming days with what she is facing that some "Walls" will come down to let the Blessings enter in to sustain her!
@Glenda ... that would truly be a wonderful and appropriate prayer to pray. I will join you in praying it! I know God will bless and comfort Gina and her family but we need to be specific. Thanks for dropping by.
I agree, love them to death but they do make terrible patients. this story has stayed with me since reading it and I have to admit. No one, as of yet, has come to me with any health issues. Friend wise. Is it because they won't be taking care of it OR is it because they know for damn skippy that I WOULD hog tie their bums myself and take them WITHOUT asking first. I just don't get it. I have sen death and at different ages and to know that medical personel sees it to a degree we can't fathom WHY then aren't THEY the first in line to stay healthy. I would think that seeing as how they deal with life and death THEY would be the ones to better appreciate Gods gift. I don't know..I'm rambling trying to figure it out. I just know what I have seen has affected me enough to get my bum in gear if it meant still being here with my family..
Jenny you might ,or might not , actually be suprised that I wouldn't mind if someone prayed for me if I was in the very sad situation of your old friend.
Not because I was 'hedging my bets' along the lines of that old chestnut 'there are no atheists in a fox hole' (Untrue -I have read some of their stories) , but no because if it made the friend /relative feel better tha that's a good thing and it shows they care , even if you know what I'd really be thinking about the likely efficacy.
My father sadly died in 2006 after very rapidly getting throat cancer and dieing in about 8 months from first having slight swallowing problems , but I suspect being a bloke (en-UK) (guy) he knew there was a problem earlier like your old friend and didn't take the plunge and use our good old NHS (National Health Service) sooner , rather than later. Which was very good and free at the point of use - sorry had to be a bit political ! :-) .
Anyway , Happy Primaries or whatver.
@Crystal ... I know you'd be a great support to a friend in need.
@Paul ... my condolences on the passing of your father.