Tales Of Woe And The Wail Of A Toe

Does anyone besides me occasionally get overwhelmed by the mind-bogglingly evil and the tragically misguided and the just plain bizarre behavior that exists in the world? Several things that I've heard on the news over the past several days have prompted me to pose this largely rhetorical question.

For starters there is the heartbreaking story of lovely young Meredith Emerson, who disappeared on New Year's Day while hiking in North Georgia with her beloved dog. The disgusting cretin who told police where to look for her body is believed to have bludgeoned her to death (after holding her hostage for three days) with the collapsible baton found near her remains. He is suspected in several similar killings in Florida and Georgia over the last four months. And whom he murders, he likes to dismember. His victims are generally hikers enjoying the great outdoors. Forget the monster under your bed; he's on the nearest nature trail! This has given me nightmares.

There's the father in Texas who, over the Christmas holiday, shot and killed his two teenage daughters as they sat in his taxi cab ... because he didn't like their boyfriends. Good old dad.

There's the equally dedicated family man in Alabama who, angry with his wife, tossed their four small children off an 80-foot bridge to their deaths a few days ago. Authorities can't find the babies' bodies. I can hardly talk about this.

Another man in Los Angeles stabbed both his ex-wife and her mother to death today before ensuring his own demise by stepping off a 150-foot-high bridge. Proving once again, there is nothing more dangerous than an angry person who has decided they are going to end it all. They always want to take someone -- or several someones -- with them.

But then there's the twenty-something man who allegedly has attempted to kill a sixty-something couple four times in the last eighteen months ... and has failed each time. If he had succeeded in killing them any one of the four times, he would have gotten paid for it because there was a "hit" out on the couple. As it is, he has yet to be compensated for his efforts. The first two attacks were only one day apart, in 2006. On his last try he fractured their skulls. I can't think of an adequate response to this.

There's the unfortunate man who lost a thumb in a woodworking accident. Doctors had replaced what was left of his injured thumb, but the patient was unhappy with the result ... so doctors have replaced the bad thumb with one of the man's big toes. (Who knew carpal and pedal digits were interchangeable?) I'm trying to imagine being in a situation so dire that I would make this suggestion: "Hey doc, how about amputating my toe and plugging it into my hand?" The grafted toe looks huge on the man's hand -- especially when he holds it up next to his other, normal-sized thumb -- but doctors think he will eventually have 80 percent of the use of his new "thumb" ... bad news is, he's missing a toe ... or at least one of his feet is ... and while I feel sorry for the poor guy's trouble, I admit I chuckled at this news segment. Think about it: he'll probably never win at thumb wrestling again (although, who knows?) but he can make toeprint cookies at Christmas. And make up some new rules of toe. Plus which, think of the attention he can now command while hitchhiking! But I must admit, this whole scenario makes me want to sit in the corner and suck my ... er ... thumb.

Then there's the unhappily married man in Warsaw, Poland, who visited a brothel ... (that would be a no-no, y'all) ... and was shocked to find his wife working there! And I don't mean as a receptionist! Wow ... what are the chances? By the way, they're getting a divorce. Probably a good idea under the circumstances.

In an incredible case of life imitating art (cue Margaret Sullavan as Klara and James Stewart as Alfred in 1940's The Shop Around The Corner, Judy Garland as Veronica and Van Johnson as Andrew in 1949's In The Good Old Summertime ... or if you prefer a modern slant complete with Internet access, Tom Hanks as Joe and Meg Ryan as Kathleen in 1998's You've Got Mail ... no matter which you choose, it's the story of a man and a woman who meet via the workplace and instantly take a hearty dislike to one another. The strife they endure by day, however, is mitigated by the pen-pal romance they each enjoy after hours with a mysterious partner who is all tenderness and understanding), my husband told me recently that he'd heard a story about a man, unhappy in his marriage, who was drawn into an online relationship with a woman unhappy in her marriage. How very unusual! They commiserated with one another for a period of time through the ether and then decided to meet. They did, and ... turns out they were already married to one another. That certainly saved some time they would have had to spend dating and getting to know each other! She already knows his shirt size and if he wears boxers, and he knows her favorite flower and which side of the bed she prefers! Now let's all sing Love The One You're With ...

A commercial on TV during the news tonight (which featured a baby cackling uncontrollably) asserted that laughter adds eight years to your life. I guess they didn't factor in all the delightful folks walking around who are looking for an opportunity to kill someone. But I like to laugh and I like life, so I guess I'll keep on looking for the humor and the wonder and the good. And I think I'll stop listening to the news because if I'm going to live eight extra years, I want them to be full of happy thoughts.

In the meantime, God help us.